setting boundaries Archives - Amazing Health Advances

How to Teach Your Kids About Boundaries

The AHA! Team — Fri, 31 May 2024 05:33:24 +0000

Dr. Caroline Leaf – In this podcast (episode #504) and blog, I talk about the importance of teaching your child about boundaries. This is part 1 of a 2-part series on parenting, boundaries, and mental health. From the moment children are born, they are tied to their environment and the people within their environment. They are born into a community which they both shape and are shaped by. A child’s identity is closely tied to their community – their family, friends, and other acquaintances. Children develop a sense of who they are in relation to who they are with. This has both a huge potential for growth and connection and a huge potential for harm, which is why teaching your child how to have healthy relationships from a young age is so important for their mental and physical wellbeing. One of the best ways to teach your child about healthy relationships is to teach them how to set boundaries and model what healthy boundaries look like in your own life and with your child. Explain to your child that boundaries are rooted in respect for oneself and respect for others, and show them what this looks like in your own life. Explain to your child that boundaries are rooted in respect for oneself and respect for others A great way of showing your child what boundaries are is by using everyday explanations and examples so that they can grasp the idea better. Give your child different options for events that happen daily, where they have to make a decision based on how they feel in the moment. For example, when a child wants to play with something that may not be safe for them to play with, tell them they cannot play with that object, but don’t just leave the matter there. Explain to them why that object is not a toy, then give them a few options of things that they can play with and have them decide what they want to do. In this case, you set a boundary for something the child is not allowed to do, you explain why, and then you let them decide what they feel they want to do with the other options available. It is also important to remember that boundaries are not just for older children or adults. They are a set of rules someone creates that identifies them as an individual and sets out what they emotionally and physically like or dislike. It is a way someone, regardless of their age, can let the people in their life know what makes them feel comfortable in their own environment, and, as such, boundaries can help build and develop stronger connections with other people. A great way to teach our children about healthy boundaries is to respect their space, time, privacy and emotions, even when they are young (depending on their age and developmental level, and considering your child’s safety). If we want our children to be able to set healthy boundaries with others, they should be able to “practice” this by setting boundaries with the people they feel the safest with—their parents or caregivers. Let them know that if they are uncomfortable with something, then it is okay to tell us. We can do this by truly listening to what our children say, observing how they react, and creating space to let them know that if they are uncomfortable with something, then it is okay to tell us. For example, if your child does not want to be hugged by other people (even a close family member like a grandmother), letting them know their feelings are okay teaches them how to navigate relationship challenges from a young age. I want to stress this point because we usually hear about how important it is to set boundaries with your children and how to tell them no, but not enough about acknowledging and accepting our children’s own need for boundaries. Even though children may not fully grasp the concept of boundaries, they are very aware that there are certain things that they do not enjoy or feel comfortable with. When we as parents and guardians acknowledge this, we give our children the confidence to voice their needs and desires, as well as teaching them from youth the importance of saying “no” and the value of consent. Of course, this doesn’t mean that we just let our children do what they want in the name of “boundaries”. Rather, it means that, as parents and caregivers, we need to distinguish between enforcing the necessary parts of parenting (for example, like brushing their teeth or going to bed at a certain time), while also understanding that our children also need space to learn establish their own boundaries, desires and shape their own identity (within the comfort of their home, knowing that we as parents are there as a “safety net” to help and guide them). This will look different for different ages and situations, but includes things like not sharing information about your child’s personal struggles on social media without their permission, or, when they are older, not sharing anything that they have told you in confidence with others unless it is a matter of their safety. Some parents may think they have a right to do this, but it shows their child that their personal privacy is not respected, and this can quickly backfire, often encouraging your child to hide more of their life from you. For more on teaching your child about boundaries, listen to my podcast (episode #504). Podcast Highlights 2:00 How to help your child clean up their mental mess 8:20 Why it is important to teach your child about boundaries 11:20 Why we need to model boundaries for our children & teach them what boundaries look like in their own lives 14:20 Why it is important to create a safe space at home for our children 15:45 What boundaries are & why they are an important part of raising resilient children 18:16 Boundaries are for everyone, even young children! 22:40, 25:14 What it means to respect your child’s boundaries This podcast and blog are for educational purposes only and are not intended as medical advice. We always encourage each person to make the decision that seems best for their situation with the guidance of a medical professional. To read the original article click here.

The post How to Teach Your Kids About Boundaries appeared first on Amazing Health Advances.

The Difference Between Being Patient Vs. Enabling Toxic Behavior

AHA Publisher — Mon, 25 Jan 2021 08:00:51 +0000

Dr. Caroline Leaf – In this podcast (episode #249) and blog, I discuss the difference between enabling and empowering someone. Simply put, enabling is doing something challenging for someone else, while empowering someone means helping and supporting them as they complete the challenging task. Think of those school projects you did as a child; enabling is your mom doing the whole project for you, while empowering is your mom helping you do your own school project. Enabling teaches the person being enabled that someone else will always fix or solve their issues for them, or make the consequences go away. When someone is struggling with an issue, they can quickly become reliant on the person or persons who are enabling them, instead of developing the self-regulation needed to heal and move forward. There is often a fine line between enabling and empowering someone. This makes it hard to know what the best thing to do is in any given situation, especially if we are trying to help a loved one. So, how do we know when we are approaching that line? Of course, most of us genuinely want to help others. That’s one of the many beautiful qualities of being human! As a mother, when I see my children in pain, I am heartbroken and want to absorb their pain and take it away—I often do not want to let them suffer or face the consequences. But, in most cases, I cannot and should not do this, as it can end up causing more harm than good, crippling their own ability to handle life. We need to recognize there is a certain level of “messiness” and pain involved in life—this is inevitable, especially when you’re trying to help those you care for. It can be very complicated and hard to do. How do say no? When do you need to say no? What if you don’t want to hurt the people you care about? Could saying no damage the relationship? Are you fearful of what they might do if you don’t step in and take on the burden? One thing that has helped me in my life is using my 5-step Neurocycle mind-management technique to examine a situation to help me deal with all this messiness, manage my emotions and find out if I am helping someone I love or enabling them. First, I gather awareness of the situation: I become aware of a situation I am (or were in), including the emotional and physical warning signals I experience as I think about this situation. Am I feeling feeling unhappy, frustrated, confused, wary or angry? Do I feel heart palpitations or stomach pains? Tuning into these warning signals, responding to them and questioning them will take you deeper into your own mind and help you recognize the difference between enabling and empowering in this situation. This allows you can make the best choice for you and your loved ones. Then, I reflect on these signals: In this step, I essentially put my thoughts and feelings on trial and ask, answer and discuss them to find out what the physical and emotional warning signals are telling me about whether I am empowering or enabling the person in my life. Here are some useful questions I use to guide my thinking in this step: Is what I am doing keeping someone from having to face the consequences of their own behavior, or is it pointing them in the direction of facing the consequences and therefore teaching them how to self-regulate and build up their mental resilience? Is the help I am giving taking away an opportunity for this person to do something on their own, gain self-esteem and improve their self-regulation, or is it giving them that opportunity? Next, I write down my thoughts: This helps me regulate and organize my thinking. I then recheck what I have discussed and written down: I reread what I wrote to find patterns and triggers and to reconceptualize the situation so I can make better choices moving forward. Here are some questions I find useful in this step: Do I have a pattern of enabling this person? Do I feel conflicted when I help them? Do I resent the person I am helping because they don’t seem to appreciate it, or they haven’t used the help to improve their situation? Are my expectations fair? Did I create this situation? Why? I then take action to remedy the situation (I call this an active reach): The active reach is a summary action, like a period at the end of the sentence, that you can do to help you gain mental peace and change to toxic situation into a positive one. When it comes to enabling someone, this doesn’t mean you must stop helping them altogether. It just means you should find better and healthier ways to empower them—to show them compassion, empathy and love in a way that will do them good rather than harm. Here are some active reaches to help you move from enablement to empowerment: One of the best ways to empower someone is to approach every relationship you are a part of with a healthy sense of your own boundaries. If you balance kindness with being able to say “no” when you or the other person is stepping over these boundaries, then you will be in a better position to help someone without enabling them or creating a toxic situation where they fully depend on you. Recognize that each person must take full responsibility for their own self-care (emotional, physical and spiritual), with the knowledge that no other human being can do this for them. When you cannot help yourself, it is of course healthy to ask for help, but we all need to learn how to do so without feeling entitled to this help. For more help on managing your mental mess using the Neurocycle technique, listen to my podcast(episode #249), preorder my new book Cleaning Up Your Mental Mess (and receive exclusive bonuses!) and check out my SWITCH appand our most recent clinical trials. To read the original article click here. For more articles from Dr. Leaf click here.

The post The Difference Between Being Patient Vs. Enabling Toxic Behavior appeared first on Amazing Health Advances.