It’s Okay Not To Be Okay

The AHA! Team — Fri, 08 Nov 2024 06:13:29 +0000

Dr. Caroline Leaf – In this podcast (episode #594) and blog, I talk about the 100% happiness fallacy, and why learning how to embrace your pain and rewrite your story is an important part of being truly happy. This is a replay of a Neurolive webinar I did on my app. For the full webinar AD-free, please see Neurocycle.app or look for Neurocycle on the App Store or Google Play. Does it feel to you like you have to be happy all the time? Often, it feels like happiness and being positive is touted as the wonder drug to solve our problems. It is easy to feel like there is something wrong with you if you are not as happy as other people seem to be! Yes, being happy and optimistic can have a positive impact on our minds, brain and body, but thinking happy thoughts doesn’t just eliminate whatever we are going through. To truly heal and find some measure of intrinsic happiness, we must move beyond positive affirmations and thinking, and face what is holding us back through embracing, processing and reconceptualizing our past pain. If we don’t do this, we won’t truly benefit from positive psychology and happiness techniques. Using the latter before we have processed and managed what has happened to us often results in a toxic positivity cycle, where we feel bad for simply being human and try to ignore our more uncomfortable emotions, which only makes us feel worse! In fact, research indicates that pursuing happiness in a toxically positive way can impact our ability to fully embrace the human experience, with all its ups and downs and uncertainties. Our lives are infused with fragility, setbacks and unpredictability as much as they are filled with passion, excitement and joy. Using happiness or positive thinking to mask the harsh realities of life will backfire because there is no avoiding what it means to be human. An adverse emotional response to an adverse life situation is normal. It is okay to not feel okay. It is okay to not be happy all the time. An adverse emotional response to an adverse life situation is normal. Understandably, we don’t want to get stuck in a dark place, but happiness is not a bandage we can slap on all of life’s wounds and just “keep on keeping on”. It is an important part of life, yes, but it also means different things to different people, and will not take away that pain that we experience as we go through life. If you feel pressured to be happy all the time, take the time to pause and examine your thoughts. Ask yourself: Is the happiness fallacy taking up mental real estate in your mind? Do you feel guilty when you feel unhappy? Do you think that there is something wrong with you when you feel sad, upset or angry? Do you feel shame, guilt, and embarrassment if you don’t feel happy all the time? Do you often tell yourself and others that you just need to “think a positive/happy thought” if you are feeling sad, angry, or any emotion that is considered uncomfortable or negative? Do you find yourself ignoring or repressing your suffering or pain? Don’t let your guilt consume you; rather, be curious.. If you said yes to any of these or all the above, work on reframing how you see happiness and its role in your life. Don’t let your guilt consume you; rather, be curious, almost as if you were listening to a friend tell you about their thoughts. And, when you find yourself falling into a pattern of using toxic positivity to suppress your more uncomfortable emotions, pause and say out loud: “Not only is it okay for me to not feel okay, it is part of what it means to be human, and trying to be happy all the time can actually hurt me and make my pain worse.” For more on the 100% happiness fallacy and learning how to embrace your pain and rewrite your story, listen to my podcast (episode #594). Podcast Highlights 2:05 The 100% happiness fallacy 4:09 Toxic positivity can make us feel worse! 6:20 Happiness is just one part of what it means to be human 8:02 Happiness means different things to different people 11:45 Feelings of happiness are actually pretty rare! 16:00 It is easy to feel unsatisfied even when we are happy 17:50 To be happy, we also must embrace & process the hard things in life 22:32 How to be okay with not being okay Switch On Your Brain LLC. is providing this podcast as a public service. Reference to any specific viewpoint or entity does not constitute an endorsement or recommendation by our organization. The views expressed by guests are their own and their appearance on the program does not imply an endorsement of them or any entity they represent. If you have any questions about this disclaimer, please contact info@drleaf.com. This podcast and blog are for educational purposes only and are not intended as medical advice. We always encourage each person to make the decision that seems best for their situation with the guidance of a medical professional. To read the original article click here.

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Toxic Positivity: What it is, How it Hurts & What to Say Instead

AHA Publisher — Fri, 11 Mar 2022 08:00:34 +0000

Dr. Caroline Leaf – In this podcast (#359) and blog, I talk to therapist and author Whitney Goodman about her new book on toxic positivity, why good intentions are sometimes not good enough, and more! As Whitney notes in her new book, toxic positivity tends to shut down conversations and often stops people from truly connecting—especially when it comes to the hard “stuff” we all face as we live our lives. Even if someone is just trying to be nice by saying things like “everything happens for a reason” or “remember, the glass is half full”, the person sharing their pain and struggles can feel silenced by these seemingly innocuous platitudes. It can make the person struggling feel like their distress is making the other person uncomfortable or scared, which often feels like rejection. Yes, trying to be positive is not necessarily a bad thing. It can, however, become toxic when we shame ourselves for having normal human emotions by saying things like “I have so much to be grateful for” or “it’s not such a big deal” when we feel sad, angry, or distressed. Even positive affirmations can become toxic. If we say something to ourselves that we do not truly believe, we can experience a disconnect between where we are in life and what expectations we place on ourselves, which can lead to guilt, shame, and a feeling that there is something intrinsically wrong with us. There is essentially a large gap between what we say and what we believe, and this can have a significant impact our mental wellbeing. Instead of trying to plaster over or ignore this gap, we should try to sit with the pain and discomfort and get to the root of why we feel the way we do, or what the person sharing their struggles with us is actually trying to say. We shouldn’t run just away from uncomfortable emotions. We are not designed to be happy all the time. In fact, when we suppress our painful emotions, we weaken ourselves, mentally and physically. Yes, we may have the best of intentions when it comes to ourselves and others, but sometimes that is not enough. When it comes to what we say to ourselves and what we say to others, it is far better to think about what impact our behavior will have. Indeed, if we are trying to support someone, we should ask them how we can validate what they are going through in a way that works for them, not in a way that feels good for us. As Whitney points out, positivity and good intentions can quickly become toxic if we don’t pay attention to the timing, our audience and the topic. Toxic positivity can also show up in different ways on a societal level, including as racial prejudice. Using phrases like “let’s all just love each other” when talking about race can invalidate the pain and traumatic experiences that many people face on a daily basis. When we use positivity in this way, it shuts down open and honest communication. As a result, we run the risk of not making the personal and societal changes that need to be made, which will only make things worse in our society. We should never use positivity to hide the ugly—in our life or in our communities. Part of dealing with toxic positivity is learning how to complain better—yes, you read that right! When done excessively, complaining can be unhealthy. But complaining is not just a “bad” thing. When people know what they want to complain about (the facts), what they want to change (the results), and how to/who can make this change happen, complaining can be quite effective in making actual change happen. Indeed, when these complaints are listened to with compassion and understanding, it can be quite therapeutic for the people involved. However, when these three things don’t line up and become a toxic loop, or are just met with random platitudes, then complaining can become unhealthy. To read the original article click here.

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positivity Archives - Amazing Health Advances

It’s Okay Not To Be Okay

Toxic Positivity: What it is, How it Hurts & What to Say Instead