oversharing Archives - Amazing Health Advances

How Over-Explaining is Linked to Trauma + Strategies to Find the Root & Heal

AHA Publisher — Thu, 16 Sep 2021 07:00:23 +0000

Dr. Caroline Leaf – In this podcast (episode #314) and blog, Dr. Leaf talks about how over-explaining and over-sharing can be trauma responses, and how they impact the way we function. I decided to speak about this topic because of the many responses I got to a social media post I recently put up: “Over-explaining is a common trauma response for those who were often made to feel at fault as a child. At one point, the desire to people-please provided safety. But, please know, what happened is not your fault, and it’s not your job to regulate other people’s emotional states.” Over-explaining means describing something to an excessive degree, whereas oversharing is the disclosure of an inappropriate amount of information and detail about your personal life. These fall under the fawn trauma response (see podcast #302 for more information on the different trauma responses). We often do this non-consciously to try to control the anxiety we experience in the moment, which is a signal that has a root. This thought “root” is what we need to find, or the uncomfortable feelings we experience won’t stop. If we don’t get to the root of the thought, we will use us a lot of mental energy trying to manage these feelings and other peoples’ impressions of us, which can be a pretty thankless and exhausting task! Why do we do this? 1. Over explaining (O/E thinking): You might be doing this to keep yourself safe, which could be a sign that you have a toxic thought tree that is dominating your thinking, and the root system is some sort of abusive relationship that happened in your past. The only way you managed to cope during that time was a fawning trauma response, which is now no longer sustainable in your life, as it has affected your ability to trust yourself and your self-confidence. You may also slip into an over-explaining response if you have been gaslit. This can make you feel like you must say a lot, and/or say things in different ways, so that the person gaslighting you can’t distort your words and make you look bad by using what you say against you. It could also be that you are trying to make people understand where you are coming from, and you feel the need to use a prefacing comment or story as a protective barrier to make people see your reasoning. You may feel the need to justify yourself or your decisions to make someone accept who you are and how you think, which is also a trauma root that you will need to work on. You could also be trying to keep the peace, and over-explain as a result. Perhaps you tend to over-explain because someone in your past made you feel everything is your fault, no matter what, and you feel the need to defend yourself, or it may bother you if you disappoint someone in your life and you use over-explaining to compensate. You could be thinking out loud, or have had a TBI (traumatic brain injury) and need more words to explain yourself. (I had many patients who did this.) You may see over-explaining as a way to be honest or to boost another person’s emotional state. It could also be that you are a chattier person, especially when you feel you can contribute to the situation, and, once stimulated, you talk too much. The important thing here is mind-management; learn to self-regulate your responses and how you process how other people react to you, and adjust accordingly. Oversharing (O/S thinking): Many of the roots are similar to why we tend to over-explain, which I described briefly above. Sometimes oversharing is also the result of a misguided attempt to gain sympathy. If you share your mistakes to help others, you are being authentic; if you share too much to gain sympathy, then you are oversharing. If you feel like you tend to over-explain or over-share, there is hope! You can work on this by doing a 5-step Neurocycle over 63 days to uncover the root of the thought and work on rewiring your brain. This is the mind-management system I have developed over the past 38 years and is based on my research and practice. (I discuss this in detail in my book Cleaning Up Your Mental Mess, my app Neurocycle and in my recent clinical trials.) The 5 steps are: 1. Gather: O/E = Start with something recent that happened to you and observe your thinking. Did you apologize a lot? Battle to say no? Feel the need to give lots of detail so that the other person understood you? Did you over-anticipate how this person will respond when you set a boundary? Or perhaps focus on the worst-case scenario? O/S = Think of ways you tend to overshare. Do you perhaps post intimate details about your relationships, friendships, family matters and personal drama online? Use social media to vent your frustrations? How do you overshare? How does this make you feel emotionally and physically? Remind yourself that oversharing doesn’t create intimacy; it can be a sign of self-absorption that is masked as “vulnerability”. 2. Reflect: Ask, answer and discuss what you gathered in step 1 to get to the core of what you are doing, why, and the impact this is having on your life and relationships. 3. Write: Write down your reflections to help organize your thinking and gain more clarity into what is going on in your life. 4. Recheck : How you can see this in a different way; what is your thought “antidote”? 5. Practice your new way of thinking every day using the active reach: Some examples of good active reaches are: Practicing being patient with yourself. Celebrating in the moment when you do set a boundary WITHOUT chronicling your reasoning for it in painstaking detail. Learning to sit with the discomfort of disappointing others. You can’t please everyone—the one person you should always prioritize is yourself! Giving yourself permission to feel whatever feelings surface when you say “no”. Reminding yourself of times you did assert a boundary, and how things didn’t end up as badly as you expected them to be. Practicing mind-management, where you self-regulate your reaction to other people, and adjust accordingly. Using use the Neurocycle to do brain-building daily to help improve your mental resilience. For more on this check out my podcast on brain-building. To read the original article click here.

The post How Over-Explaining is Linked to Trauma + Strategies to Find the Root & Heal appeared first on Amazing Health Advances.

The Difference Between Courageous Vulnerability And Wound-Based Oversharing + The #1 Relationship Killer

AHA Publisher — Tue, 29 Sep 2020 07:00:35 +0000

Dr. Caroline Leaf – When it comes to our relationships, we often fall into the trap of behaving like we think we should, rather than getting to the root of why and how we really connect to other people. In this blog and podcast episode (#204), I speak with international speaker and human connection specialist Mark Groves about the nature of human connection, common relationship mistakes we all make, how to improve our relationships, the difference between vulnerability and oversharing, how to embrace our emotions and connections, what women need to know about men, what men need to know about women, and so much more! One of the biggest things we need to realize is that love doesn’t just happen like some Disney movie. It is a skill set that everyone can learn. Indeed, relationships are hard work, and sometimes they end, and that is perfectly okay. We shouldn’t get trapped by society’s expectations or judgements about who or why we love or when we choose to walk away. Don’t stay in a relationship where you can’t be true to yourself. If you feel the need to perform all the time, then you will be unhappy. Mark believes that we need to talk about the nature of love and human connection everywhere, even in the corporate world. Love is not just some “ooy goey” thing. If you get good at one type of human connection, aspects of your other relationships will start to improve. This is why we need to invest in the way we relate to each other, especially in the workplace, which will create safer and more productive workplaces, by helping build “families” at work. To start improving the way we connect to others, especially in our romantic relationships, we need to focus on: 1. Communication issues. As the saying goes, it takes two to tango! Communication is a dance; each action and reaction will cause a response. 2. Thinking that the other person is always the issue or always wrong. What we tend to struggle with in any area of our lives will be magnified in our relationships, especially romantic ones. Don’t just assume it’s always the other person. What baggage are you perhaps bringing into the relationship? How can you deal with this and reconceptualize your own story? As I discussed on Mark’s podcast, what is happening in the brain with relation to our memories, relationships, and past experiences will affect how we function in any relationship. Thankfully, we can use mind-directed techniques to help relieve the intrusive thoughts that are affecting our relationships. For more on how to do this, listen to the interview! You can also check out my app SWITCH, which may be helpful during this process. It is a great tool for helping you learn how to manage your mind, deal with the roots of your mental chaos, and overcome negative thought patterns and behaviors that impact your mental health and relationships by using the mental process of reconceptualization. 3. A low tolerance for uncertainty. Make room for change in a relationship, and learn to trust that change. Don’t just say things like “you usually attack me, but not this time… so, what’s the catch?” or “why are you not shouting? I am suspicious….”. Have tolerance for not knowing how conversation will go all the time. 4. Being reactive when someone doesn’t agree with you. Remember, you can hold two different truths in your mind at the same time, even when you agree to disagree. This will not kill you, and it is possible to listen and hear what other people are saying even if they hold different viewpoints. Don’t give in to the current antagonistic climate, especially in your close relationships. Learn how to sit and be curious about someone else’s experience of the world without being threatened; observe and control your reactions instead of just letting loose all the time. You don’t have to make someone think like you if you are in a relationship. It is possible to co-exist with different perspectives. 5. Talking about the hard stuff. One of the most important things you can do in a relationship is to talk about the hard things in the relationship to the people who are in the relationship, not just friends or family. Make space for adult tantrums and difficult emotions; do not suppress or avoid these feelings, or they can destroy your relationship. If you partner is battling to express how they feel, be patient. Speaking about how you feel takes a lot of courage, and the person may get it wrong, so be understanding. It is also important to recognize that if someone doesn’t know how to hold space for their feelings, they won’t be able to have space for other people’s feelings, which often happens with men. Society has conditioned them to fix, provide or solve, not express what they feel. Not sure where to start? One relationship technique Mark loves is the imago dialogue: Only one person talks at a time. You request, “can you talk?”, then you agree to listen to that person without responding or adding in what you think or feel. You mirror back what they are saying, asking “did I get that right?”. This way of communicating will teach you to listen and hear what your partner is trying to communicate, rather than just arguing your side. When it comes to the way we connect and communicate with others, it is equally important that we know the difference between courageous vulnerability and wound-based oversharing. The first comes from place of self-worth (knowing that your story is validated by yourself, not others) and the second comes from a place of trying to justify or validate our own feelings and pain (which is based on feelings of insecurity). Always remember, how you tell your story matters, not what happened. Can you look at the pain and find the wisdom? Can you see what this experience is asking of you? How will you integrate this pain into your life and give it purpose? How will you learn and grow? We are held hostage by our pain when we haven’t learned from it. But what happens when your story changes? How do you deal with a major break up? Don’t say you shouldn’t feel the way you feel—this won’t make it go away. See the break up as a path to find and heal yourself. Stay sober & avoid new relationships. Stay away from anything that pulls you away from “you”. See the break up as an opportunity to learn about yourself and dive deep internally; take your anger and pain and channel it into a learning experience. Learn from the experience and ask yourself questions like, “Did I put my best self forward in the relationship?” or “Where did I maybe go wrong?” This article has been modified. To read the original article click here. For more articles from Dr. Leaf click here.

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