guilt Archives - Amazing Health Advances

How To Manage Parent Guilt, Burn-Out & Fatigue

The AHA! Team — Fri, 07 Jun 2024 08:45:29 +0000

Dr. Caroline Leaf – In this podcast (episode #499) and blog, I talk to Hettie, a concerned mother, about balancing work and play time with her children, especially as a homeschooling mom. This is part of a series I am doing on questions you submitted for my new book on children’s mental health. This was Hettie’s question: “I’m part of an avid homeschooling community. Homeschooling moms like me tend to be “always on; always teaching.” It can lead to schooling burnout, and it does! How can we give ourselves and our children a better balance between working our brain, resting our brain, and letting our brain play?” First, it is important to understand that, as parents and guardians, we deserve to rest! This is especially the case if we are homeschooling our children as — in this case, we are not just parents but educators as well. Work-life balance is not just important for our children. We cannot give our best and be there for our children if we are overwhelmed, burnt out and running on empty. This is something I have spoken of on my podcast before, which I call the “oxygen mask principle”. As parents, we need to help ourselves before we can effectively help our children, which includes scheduling in periods of self-care so that our minds, brains and bodies have time to rest and recharge. We need to recognize that although the mind is infinite, the brain is finite, and it needs rest to function well. We can only give our best when we are rested, which is why it is so important that we learn how to be okay with doing nothing as parents. (This takes some practice, especially if you constantly feel the need to do something!) It is important to remember that our children pick up on our emotions and behaviors. If we are stressed out, overwhelmed or upset because we have not given ourselves enough time to rest and reboot, then this can affect our children’s mental health and performance. On the other hand, when we take the time to invest in our self-care as parents, and we explain to our children why this is important, we teach them an invaluable life-skill. This, in turn, will help them learn how to build and maintain their own resilience as both children and adults. Finding the right work-play-rest balance is not just something we should teach our children. It is something we need to model in our own lives. As mentioned, children observe us and pick up on our feelings and behaviors. This means that we do and say, or what we don’t do or say, can affect their wellbeing as well. So, taking care of ourselves and our mental health is not just a “nice” thing to do. It is imperative if we want our children to grow up understanding that life is about balance and that their health is important. For more on parenting and children’s mental health, listen to my podcast (episode #499). Podcast Highlights 3:36 The challenges of homeschooling & balancing work and rest 4:35, 6:47 The importance of self-care as a parent 7:45 How burnout affects the mind-brain-body connection 13:34 How our mood & emotions can affect our children 18:00 Tips to maintain a good work-life balance as a parent 21:30 The importance of teaching our children about mental health & self-care from youth This podcast and blog are for educational purposes only and are not intended as medical advice. We always encourage each person to make the decision that seems best for their situation with the guidance of a medical professional. To read the original article click here.

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The Difference Between Being Patient Vs. Enabling Toxic Behavior

AHA Publisher — Mon, 25 Jan 2021 08:00:51 +0000

Dr. Caroline Leaf – In this podcast (episode #249) and blog, I discuss the difference between enabling and empowering someone. Simply put, enabling is doing something challenging for someone else, while empowering someone means helping and supporting them as they complete the challenging task. Think of those school projects you did as a child; enabling is your mom doing the whole project for you, while empowering is your mom helping you do your own school project. Enabling teaches the person being enabled that someone else will always fix or solve their issues for them, or make the consequences go away. When someone is struggling with an issue, they can quickly become reliant on the person or persons who are enabling them, instead of developing the self-regulation needed to heal and move forward. There is often a fine line between enabling and empowering someone. This makes it hard to know what the best thing to do is in any given situation, especially if we are trying to help a loved one. So, how do we know when we are approaching that line? Of course, most of us genuinely want to help others. That’s one of the many beautiful qualities of being human! As a mother, when I see my children in pain, I am heartbroken and want to absorb their pain and take it away—I often do not want to let them suffer or face the consequences. But, in most cases, I cannot and should not do this, as it can end up causing more harm than good, crippling their own ability to handle life. We need to recognize there is a certain level of “messiness” and pain involved in life—this is inevitable, especially when you’re trying to help those you care for. It can be very complicated and hard to do. How do say no? When do you need to say no? What if you don’t want to hurt the people you care about? Could saying no damage the relationship? Are you fearful of what they might do if you don’t step in and take on the burden? One thing that has helped me in my life is using my 5-step Neurocycle mind-management technique to examine a situation to help me deal with all this messiness, manage my emotions and find out if I am helping someone I love or enabling them. First, I gather awareness of the situation: I become aware of a situation I am (or were in), including the emotional and physical warning signals I experience as I think about this situation. Am I feeling feeling unhappy, frustrated, confused, wary or angry? Do I feel heart palpitations or stomach pains? Tuning into these warning signals, responding to them and questioning them will take you deeper into your own mind and help you recognize the difference between enabling and empowering in this situation. This allows you can make the best choice for you and your loved ones. Then, I reflect on these signals: In this step, I essentially put my thoughts and feelings on trial and ask, answer and discuss them to find out what the physical and emotional warning signals are telling me about whether I am empowering or enabling the person in my life. Here are some useful questions I use to guide my thinking in this step: Is what I am doing keeping someone from having to face the consequences of their own behavior, or is it pointing them in the direction of facing the consequences and therefore teaching them how to self-regulate and build up their mental resilience? Is the help I am giving taking away an opportunity for this person to do something on their own, gain self-esteem and improve their self-regulation, or is it giving them that opportunity? Next, I write down my thoughts: This helps me regulate and organize my thinking. I then recheck what I have discussed and written down: I reread what I wrote to find patterns and triggers and to reconceptualize the situation so I can make better choices moving forward. Here are some questions I find useful in this step: Do I have a pattern of enabling this person? Do I feel conflicted when I help them? Do I resent the person I am helping because they don’t seem to appreciate it, or they haven’t used the help to improve their situation? Are my expectations fair? Did I create this situation? Why? I then take action to remedy the situation (I call this an active reach): The active reach is a summary action, like a period at the end of the sentence, that you can do to help you gain mental peace and change to toxic situation into a positive one. When it comes to enabling someone, this doesn’t mean you must stop helping them altogether. It just means you should find better and healthier ways to empower them—to show them compassion, empathy and love in a way that will do them good rather than harm. Here are some active reaches to help you move from enablement to empowerment: One of the best ways to empower someone is to approach every relationship you are a part of with a healthy sense of your own boundaries. If you balance kindness with being able to say “no” when you or the other person is stepping over these boundaries, then you will be in a better position to help someone without enabling them or creating a toxic situation where they fully depend on you. Recognize that each person must take full responsibility for their own self-care (emotional, physical and spiritual), with the knowledge that no other human being can do this for them. When you cannot help yourself, it is of course healthy to ask for help, but we all need to learn how to do so without feeling entitled to this help. For more help on managing your mental mess using the Neurocycle technique, listen to my podcast(episode #249), preorder my new book Cleaning Up Your Mental Mess (and receive exclusive bonuses!) and check out my SWITCH appand our most recent clinical trials. To read the original article click here. For more articles from Dr. Leaf click here.

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An Unconventional Yet Highly Effective Method to Overcoming Addiction, Shame, and Guilt

AHA Publisher — Wed, 05 Feb 2020 08:00:28 +0000

Dr. Caroline Leaf – Addiction is something many of us have experienced, whether we ourselves have battled with addiction, guilt and shame, or we know a loved one, friend or family member who is dealing with addiction. According to the National Survey on Drug Use and Health (NSDUH), 19.7 million American adults (aged 12 and older) battled a substance use disorder in 2017 alone! When it comes to addiction, whether we are talking about addiction to drugs, alcohol, food, sex and so on, people are often faced with conflicting messages: they are damaged goods with little or no hope of overcoming their addiction, or it is all their fault and they are just “bad apples”. Yet reality is far more complicated, and, thankfully, far more hopeful: it is possible to take responsibility for our lives while recognizing and dealing with the negative consequences of addiction. Addiction means to be consumed by something, which is why I think it is important that we learn to see addiction through the lens of the latest neuroscientific research. Addiction involves the desire to suppress an issue or trauma that is causing you discomfort and pain. We are not just controlled by our “chemical hooks” and defined by our biological predilections. Rather, we are constantly changing in response to our environment (through neuroplasticity, or the ability of the brain to change. Addiction is a response (a signal) to life, to some underlying issue that needs to be addressed. Indeed, the latest scientific research also shows that up to 85% of people get out of addictions through choice once they begin to work on the underlying issues that led to their addiction, as I discuss on this’ week’s blog and podcast with Adi Jaffe, Ph.D. Dr. Adi Jaffe is a nationally recognized expert on mental health, addiction, relationships and shame. He was a UCLA lecturer in the Psychology department at UCLA for the better part of a decade, and was the Executive-Director and Co-Founder of one of the most progressive mental health treatment facilities in the nation. He has been interviewed on several national TV shows, including Dr. Oz and Larry King, has been featured in many documentaries on addiction and has his own TEDx talk. His work and unique approach to addiction has also been published in numerous journals, and he is a regular contributor to Psychology Today. Dr. Jaffe’s work and research focus on changing the way Americans think about, and deal with mental health issues. He is passionate about the role of shame in destroying lives and aims to greatly reduce the stigma of mental health and addiction in this country. He has used both his personal and professional experience as an incredibly effective inspirational and motivational tool. Although he grew up in a loving home, Dr. Jaffe always felt uncomfortable with who he was, and started drinking and using drugs to hide his anxiety and depression. Over time, he developed a meth addiction, which led to drug dealing to pay for his habit. As Dr. Jaffe notes, “he wasn’t learning how to deal with discomfort; he was only learning how to mask it, but he always felt alone.” Eventually, he was caught and spent time in jail and rehab; however, when he was released he still battled with drug addiction and had several relapses. True change, after all, is not instant; it is a process. Dr. Jaffe eventually realized that he had to find another way to recover—the traditional system was not helping him. He had to take accountability and responsibility for his own life; he had to believe that he had it in himself to change. And, when he realized that he was not just “damaged goods” with no hope of recovery and that he could change, began to take charge of his life and go back to school, which put him on the path to where he is today: helping people overcome addiction, mental health and shame. Through his book, The Abstinence Myth, his work and his organization, online program and podcast IGNTD, he helps people recognize that we need “guidance and understanding, not judgment and stigma, and the sooner we realize this, the more lives we’ll be able to save.” His unique take on addiction, mental health and shame has changed thousands of lives for the better, and can help you or anyone you know who is battling as well. His method, although unconventional, is truly unique and transformative, as it focuses on: 1. Dealing with “you” as a person: As Dr. Jaffe notes, you first have to deal with what is right in front of you, and “you” are the first thing that is in front of you. You need to recognize where your strength and weaknesses lie, and plan for it to help you manage them and recover. You need to accept that you used certain tools to cope with issues for a while, and now you need different tools. Don’t feel bad about your shortcomings, as we all have them! Deal with your reality, and move forward in the best way you can. Accept who you are right now. 2. Start where you are: you don’t have to quit something to recover from addiction, you have to start where you are. Although traditional ways of treating addiction begins with the assumption that you have to be ready to quit, this is not the case, and often sets people up for failure, which is why the industry ends up turning away 90% of people who need help. Yet, in many cases, people don’t necessarily want to give up the thing they are addicted to, such as sex, food or alcohol; they want to learn how to control their use of it and just want their life to get better. As Dr. Jaffe notes, the abstinence requirement is a huge barrier for people who need help. You don’t have to want to quit to get better, but you do have to want your life to get better to get over your addiction. If you are committed to a better life, then you are more willing to put in the hard work and effort it takes to overcome any addiction. 3. Deal with the root of your addiction: what is making you unhappy? What substance or thing are you using to mask your discomfort? Do you like your life? Oftentimes, we use substances and things to escape our lives or cover up our distress, which can lead to addiction if we do not stop and ask ourselves what we want and how we would like our lives to look, or do not take the time to deal with the problems we face. Indeed, addictions are often the symptom of the undealt with issues in our lives, not stand-alone “conditions” or labels, which is why we need to be careful of using more traditional terms like “alcoholic” and “drug addict” without first understanding where that person came from, what their unique story is and what is causing them pain. Instead of letting the confirmation bias of a traditional label like alcoholism define someone’s story, looking backwards and seeing everything through the prism of an addiction, we need to understand where they came from and how they ended up where they are now. We should never let an addiction define someone’s past, present and future. We need to stop just giving people solutions and start asking people questions, such as “why does drinking this make you feel good?”, “why are you unhappy”, “how are you feeling inside” or “why do you feel that this helps you?”. We even need to take a good look at ourselves and how we may have contributed to someone’s behavior. By doing this, we not only eliminate people’s barriers that prevent them from getting the help they need and we start asking the questions they want us to ask, which helps them honestly explore and share their stories, hopes, dreams and failures in a non-judgmental, caring and safe environment, which is critical to the recovery process. As I constantly say, we have to face and analyze our emotional and physical warning signals and find the why: what is the root of our mental and physical distress? This is one of the first steps to any kind of recovery, and is one of the reasons why I designed my new app SWITCH, which is a great tool for helping people deal with their issues and overcome addictive thought patterns and behaviors through the mental process of reconceptualization. The “why” defines the process of healing and transformation, which will look different for everyone as we each have our own unique story, so don’t think just because something worked for someone it will work for you, or for someone else. Of course, when it comes to overcoming addiction, it is so important to remember that change is a given. As Dr. Jaffe notes, it’s not that you can’t or won’t change, because you are changing all the time, but you can either choose to take charge of what that change will look like, or let it happen haphazardly and allow the world to dictate what those changes will be. You can take control of your life; you got this! To read the original article click here. For more articles from Dr. Leaf click here.

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