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How to Recognize & Respond to Passive-Aggressive Behavior

AHA Publisher — Fri, 10 Dec 2021 08:00:29 +0000

Dr. Caroline Leaf – In this podcast (episode #339) and blog, I talk about passive-aggressive behavior: what it is, how it can affect us, and how to manage it. Passive aggressiveness is a form of indirect, hostile communication. People who are passive-aggressive generally mask their anger or frustration instead of being honest about their emotions. This kind of behavior is characterized by hidden antagonism and avoidance. Almost everyone displays passive-aggressive behavior at some point in their lives—it can be challenging to be open about how we feel. However, there are people who mostly, if not always, express feelings of hurt, anger, frustration, pain, or sadness through passive-aggressive behaviors. If they are asked to do something, for example, they may respond through procrastination and sometimes make intentional mistakes. Someone who acts in a passive-aggressive way usually communicates more enthusiasm than they express in their bodies. Essentially, their feelings are expressed through small remarks or actions rather than directly. This can cause a lot of conflict in relationships, and can be quite destructive. Here are some signs that someone is being passive-aggressive: They are often cynical, pessimistic, or aggressive They complain about feeling underappreciated They display bitterness and hostility They are often irritable and frequently disagree They give backhanded compliments They often refuse to move past an issue while insisting everything is resolved They get quiet and distant the moment they perceive conflict, especially when someone gives the silent treatment They shut people down and do not talk to them or try to address the issue Usually, if they are confronted about their behaviors, they will insist the other person doesn’t understand or is making unfair assumptions They assume others should know how they feel without telling someone Below are some examples of passive-aggressive behavior: Passive-aggressive behavior usually entails backhanded compliments. An example of a backhanded compliment that I am sure many parents have heard is: “You’re amazing for going back to work. I could never let a stranger watch my kids!”. Embedded within this compliment is a judgement on your chosen career as a parent. Another example of passive-aggressive behavior is often seen in the workplace: if someone proposes a new plan, a passive-aggressive person may agree with the plan openly but then intentionally miss deadlines, procrastinate, or try to undermine the plan. Another common example that displays passive-aggressive behavior is shortness in language that contradicts the speaker’s body language. So, for example, a person might say “fine…whatever” in response to a disagreement, but completely withdraw afterwards. Sarcasm can also be a common sign of passive-aggressive behavior, especially in people who are often sarcastic. When they receive backlash, they will usually say things like “can’t you take a joke?” or “I’m just being sarcastic, don’t you have a sense of humor?”. There are many different reasons that may have lead someone to display passive-aggressivebehavior. If someone in your life is being passive-aggressive, it is important to first recognize that no human being is flawless, and we need to show compassion without enabling negative behaviors. Second, we need to understand how to deal with people who are passive-aggressive, so that we can protect ourselves from being hurt. Some causes of passive-aggressive behavior are: The behavior began in childhood. The person could have been influenced by their parents or those around them, or learned passive-aggressive behaviors from their environment. They may not have been allowed to directly express their emotions growing up, so they found other ways to channel their emotions. Some people may not even realize that they are being passive-aggressive if they grew up in a household where this type of communication was common. Some people may be passive-aggressive because they experienced abuse and/or neglect as a child. These incidents can affect someone’s self-esteem and cause them to have an aversion to outright confrontation. Some people may act in a passive-aggressive manner because they are in an environment where open expression of emotion is not socially acceptable, such as in the workplace or at public events. Some people struggle with being vulnerable, or fear rejection and anger. They may have some social anxiety or struggle with low self-esteem. These people may find being passive-aggressive is easier than confronting others directly. This is why it is so important to have compassion for people who resort to passive-aggressive behaviors. We all have our flaws, and the more we try to understand others, the better we become at communicating with each other and accepting one another. If you know someone who acts passive aggressively and you have found that it is affecting you in negative ways, there are steps you can work through to manage how you react to them (from my mind management technique, which is called the Neurocycle): GATHER: Before dealing with someone you know who’s passive-aggressive, try to make sure you’re not coming from a place of anger, fear or frustration. Gather awareness of how you are feeling physically and mentally. Try to calm yourself down by doing something like breath work or yoga before trying to talk with the person in question. REFLECT: If you realize that you feel uneasy when you are about to see someone, or if any of the above descriptions and examples of passive-aggressive behavior triggered you, then explore these feelings. Do you know someone that displays these behaviors? When? How? What do you do when you are triggered? Reflect on how and why you feel the way you do. This will help you identify patterns in their behaviors and how you react to their behaviors. WRITE: Write down your reflections to help organize your thinking and look for patterns. RECHECK: Work out your “antidotes”. How can you reconceptualize the situation? How can you get yourself in the right space to deal with this? Here are some examples: Try to communicate to the person that this is an open environment and they are safe to share their emotions Try to not become reactive, as this is exactly the thing that passive-aggressive people will try to avoid, which may exacerbate the situation Try to avoid name calling Try to avoid calling them passive-aggressive Try to show them grace in the same way you would want someone to show you grace ACTIVE REACH: Practice your thought antidotes so they become a habit! These can include: Practicing assertive communication. Be open and honest and direct, and be specific about the ways in which you have been negatively impacted by their behaviors, but remind them that this issue won’t change how you feel about them and that you want to address it because you care about the relationship. Recognize that sometimes these attempts don’t work because passive-aggressive people have formed a very hard shell for protection. In these cases, try to validate and empathize with them, insofar as you can. Listen to their reasons or excuses (even if it’s frustrating to hear) and try to understand why they are acting in a passive-aggressive way. But, also set clear boundaries that there are certain behaviors that are hurting you. You may find that after this type of conversation they will start working on changing their behaviors to improve your relationship. If you have tried many times and the person is unwilling to listen or continues to harm you through their passive-aggressive behavior, you need create space and set firmer boundaries to protect your mental wellbeing. But what if you are the one acting passive aggressively? Here are some signs to look out for and questions to can ask yourself if you think you may be have passive-aggressive tendencies: Do you feel confused or conflicted about your emotions? Do you feel shame, embarrassed or scared about how you feel? Do you fear conflict and avoid open confrontation, especially if “heavy” emotions are involved? Do you feel like other people won’t care about you or your emotions? Do you often keep quiet if you have a different view or opinion because you fear you will lose another person’s approval? Do you ever feel frustrated or angry at someone but don’t feel prepared to talk to them about it? Do you struggle to talk about how you feel when someone has hurt you? As mentioned above, passive-aggressive behavior stems from a type of self-protection and fear of vulnerability. However, it can be very damaging, especially when it comes to your mental health and relationships. If this is something you need to work on, below are some simple mind management steps you can take: GATHER AWARENESS of how you are being passive-aggressive. What does this behavior look like in your life? REFLECT. The best way to begin to work on this behavior is to try and understand why you communicate like this. Where does your passive-aggressive behavior stem from? Is this the way you grew up? Is this how you learned to express your emotions as a child? Is there a past trauma that you can tie this behavior to? Do certain situations trigger your passive-aggressive tendencies more than others? Have you tried communicating to people in an open way? If not, why? These questions can help you recognize your own passive-aggressive behavior in different situations, so you can take the first steps towards changing how you manage your feelings and act on them. WRITE down your reflections to help organize your thinking. This is also a great step to do with a therapist or counselor, where you can also practice open and honest communication. RECHECK: Think about what you have reflected on and written down. What are your thought “antidotes”? This includes: Recognizing that it is normal to have feelings of anger and frustration with family and friends and still have a healthy relationship with them. Being open to confrontations. All relationships have tough moments, and avoiding them can be more detrimental than working through them. ACTIVE REACH: Try practicing your antidotes to develop new ways of thinking and acting in tough situations. Some ways you can do this is: Practice expressing how you feel. When you do this, use assertive communication, which is a way of clearly expressing your thoughts and feelings without harsh language and without putting down the other person’s thoughts and feelings. Don’t just assume that they know what you want or need. This also involves treating the person you are in conflict with as a part of a team, where you both need to figure out how to resolve the issue—don’t see them as the “enemy”. Give yourself time and grace as you work through this behavior. Remember, nothing can be achieved overnight. Don’t get frustrated at yourself if you find yourself reverting to these old behaviors again; the very fact that you are willing to work on yourself is amazing! To read the original article click here.

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5 Simple & Scientific Steps to Detox Trauma and Toxic Thinking

AHA Publisher — Thu, 17 Dec 2020 08:00:56 +0000

Dr. Caroline Leaf – Anxiety, depression and post-traumatic stress are all ways of describing natural human responses to adversity. As I discuss in this podcast and blog, we all face adversity in many different ways; challenging events and circumstances are as much a part of modern existence as they were a part of human history. Simply calling these mental and emotional responses neuropsychiatric brain diseases can create a lot of confusion and suffering. Anxiety, depression, burnout, frustration, angst, anger and grief are emotional and physical warning signals, telling us we need to face and deal with something that’s happened or is happening in our lives. They are not a sign of a broken or defective brain. The mental pain, which is very real, is a sign that something is wrong: you are in a state of disequilibrium. It’s not a sign of a defective brain. The brain is going through a process of reordering and reorganizing in response to your experience(s), which are processed through the mind (your thinking, feeling and choosing). The brain and mind are separate. The brain does not produce the mind; the brain responds to the mind. Emotional pain doesn’t need to be validated by a medical label. Mental health struggles are not your identity. These struggles are normal and need to be addressed, not suppressed, or things will get worse. Indeed, how you view your negative feelings (such as sadness, nervousness or hopelessness) will either protect you against some of the harmful health consequences of these emotions, or make you feel worse. Research, including my most recent clinical trials, demonstrates that viewing negative emotions as fluctuating, momentary parts of a natural cycle of life increases our mental and physical resilience. On the other hand, when you ruminate on the negative and see your feelings as stressful and harmful, they can dramatically impact your mental and physical health. In our research, we demonstrated that embracing negative emotions as warning signals, finding the underlying cause(s), AND then managing this by processing and reconceptualizing our thinking results in a significant improvement in bodily inflammation, cellular health and biological aging. It also empowers us to feel in control of our minds, which can increase our feelings of control over our mental health struggles by up to 81%! Feeling bad is not unhealthy if you learn how to manage your thinking! However, in today’s world, many of us are taught from youth that negative emotions are undesirable and even dangerous. To manage these undesirable emotions, modern psychological and psychiatric approaches to mental health mainly focus on the use of drugs like antidepressants and antipsychotics and treatments that numb the pain, rather than addressing the complexity of the human mind. It is thus unsurprising that this biomedical approach hasn’t reduced the prevalence of mental health issues. In fact, things seem to have gotten worse! For example, major depression, which has remained at around 4 percent between 1990–2010, is now on the rise, while population studies indicate that people between the ages twenty-four to sixty-five are dying eight to fifteen years younger than previous generations from preventable lifestyle diseases. Clearly, what we are doing is not working. The system needs to change. We must shift our focus from a symptom-centered biological approach to one that focuses on each person’s complex story and unique experiences IN CONTEXT. You are uniquely, wonderfully you—your quest for optimal health and well-being should be just as singular as you are! This is the approach I’ve taken in my newest book, Cleaning Up Your Mental Mess. After many years of clinical practice and research, I developed my Switch On Your Brain 5-Step Learning Process©. In the years since, I have continued to research and refine these steps, helping people harness the power of mind-management to find healing and fulfillment: Gathering awareness of your physical and emotional warning signals. Reflecting on why you are feeling these things in your body and mind. Writing down your reflections to organize your thinking. Rechecking what you have written and how your thoughts and feelings have changed. Active Reach: taking action to reconceptualize your thinking and find sustainable healing. In my latest book, I teach you how to apply these simple, scientifically-researched and clinically-applied mind management steps to issues such as anxiety, stress and toxic thinking. This 5-Step process will help you define and refine your unique needs and mental self-care regimen. As you go through this process, you’ll find that these steps are sustainable because they are customized to your unique way of thinking, feeling, and choosing—your brilliant mind-in-action! I truly believe that mental mess is something we all experience. It isn’t something we should be ashamed of. This is my profession, and I still have to clean up my mind daily! We need to realize that the events and circumstances of life aren’t going anywhere; people make a lot of decisions every day that affect us all, and suffering on some level is inevitable. That being said, I wholeheartedly believe that although many events and circumstances cannot be controlled, we can control our reactions to these events and circumstances. This is mind-management in action! Managing the mind is more than a lifestyle—it’s a necessity. We can spend lots of money and time on self-help books and seminars, wellness fads, great teachings, and podcasts, but all of this will simply become nice-to-know information if we can’t apply it—more notches on our belt, more knowledge gathering dust. Mind-management, on the other hand, can transform all this great information into applied information. When we learn how to manage our thinking, we’ll learn how to actually use the advice and information we gather as we go through life. When we learn how to manage our mind, we can go from posting inspiring quotes on social media to inspiring others through the way we live. Part 1 of Cleaning Up Your Mental Mess discusses what mind-management is, what happens when we don’t use our minds properly, and how the results of my recent clinical trials show why mind-management is the solution to cleaning up your mental mess. Part 2 of Cleaning Up Your Mental Mess provides my clinically applied and scientifically researched 5-Step mind-management plan. To make this process as easy to apply as possible, I have grouped important lifestyle choices into nine main areas, and given you a 5-Step mind-management strategy for each of these areas. These lifestyle choices include dealing with sudden acute stressors, overcoming toxic habits and trauma, dealing with identity issues, developing deeper connections, the power of brain-building, and how to sleep, eat and exercise mindfully. To read the original article click here. For more articles from Dr. Leaf click here.

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My Clinical Trial Results: Anxiety and Depression Reduced By Up To 81%!

AHA Publisher — Mon, 30 Nov 2020 08:00:24 +0000

Dr. Caroline Leaf – We can no longer ignore the rise of anxiety, depression, anger, frustration, toxic stress and burnout in people of all ages in our society. We need to address this head on. Stressors and changes in life situations trigger responses and changes in our biochemistry, brain function and genetics, which not only affects our health, but can also be passed on through generations, which is known as epigenetics. This is both a question of how we want to live today and how we want our children to live in the future. Many current mental health strategies, including pharmaceuticals and interventions with medical devices, have not helped us fully manage or eradicate the devastating mental health conditions that plague our society. Nearly 800,000 people die by suicide in the world each year, which is roughly one death every 40 seconds. Suicide is the 2nd leading cause of death in the world for those aged 15-24 years. Unmanaged depression is the leading cause of disability worldwide! The availability of simple mind-management tools for personal use, to address and ameliorate such warning signals as anxiety, depression, toxic thinking, inability to concentrate, irritability, exhaustion, burnout, before they take over someone’s mind and life could potentially help innumerable persons of all ages to experience improved mental and physical health and well-being. Why is mind-management so important? Stressors and changes in life situations trigger responses and changes in our biochemistry, brain function and genetics, which not only affects our health, but can also be passed on through generations, which is known as epigenetics. There is a significant amount of research indicating that the suppression of thoughts, which causes mental distress, is related to telomere shortening and biological aging-our life experiences are reflected in our biology. In our recent research, we proposed a randomized clinical trial with the primary aim of investigating the psychological and neurophysiological effects of a non-pharmacological intervention in subjects with mental health and neurological symptoms. The results showed that the subjects in the experimental group improved their mental health, brain health, blood physiology and cellular health by using the 5 steps of mind-management in the SWITCH app, and so can you! We found that when we learn to manage our thinking, the entire state of the brain and our cellular structure shifts and establishes a new and healthy level of balance in the mind, brain and body! Indeed, preliminary results from our trial demonstrated a significant reduction in depression and anxiety, through mind-management, by up to 81%, in the experimental group compared with the control group. The experimental subjects were learning how to embrace and make the anxiety and depression work for them and not against them, which is a much more sustainable approach than simply trying to numb or remove emotions and feelings completely. These exciting results indicate that, as we gain increased autonomy by taking control of our mental health, we become more aware of both our issues and our capacity to deal with the toxic thoughts and control toxic stress. When we change our perspective, we see opportunities instead of barriers. This process leads us to become more empowered so we can control our lives by controlling our minds! This clinical trial, along with an increasing number of studies in the neuroimaging and mind-brain literature, indicate that with appropriate mind-management training and self-regulation, which is what “cleaning up the mental mess” is all about, people can systematically use their mind to take advantage of the neuroplasticity of their brain to rework and rewire the their thoughts. By doing this, they can transform their neural circuitry, which will enable them to manage and improve a variety of mental and physical states. This means that we can literally take dysfunctional brain networks and physiology and alter them with our minds! We can manage our thinking and clean up the mental mess with habit forming cycles of 63 days, which gives a new thought pattern enough energy to become a habit that influences our behavior and communication. And if this is done continually as a lifestyle, overall wellbeing, peace and wisdom are the reward! The path to empowerment is not only attainable, it is within you! You can guide and direct changes in your brain. Your mind is something you can learn to optimize, with my scientific, 5-step mind-management process. These 5 steps will not only empower you to push through the pain that may come from the healing work, but also give you a structured scientifically researched plan that works and a defined time period for the process, which will further reduce your pain, uncertainty, and make the process more effective and sustainable! To read the original article click here. For more articles from Dr. Leaf click here.

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