How To Move on Without an Apology

The AHA! Team — Fri, 30 Aug 2024 08:59:31 +0000

Dr. Caroline Leaf – In this podcast (episode #470) and blog, I talk about how to move on without an apology. Unfortunately, there will be times in life when someone hurts you and refuses to apologize, regardless of what you say or do. Here are just a few tips to help you when this happens: -Recognize and honor what happened to you. Remind yourself that it is not just “in your head”. You don’t need someone to admit they hurt you to validate what happened to you. -Allow yourself to feel the pain and emotions. Acknowledge how the person made you feel. Their lack of apology doesn’t mean it was okay, and you can be sad or upset about it. -Put boundaries up, especially if someone keeps hurting you or taking advantage of you. You may even have to pause or end the relationship—don’t feel guilty about this. Part of keeping someone accountable may include taking away their access to you. But make sure these boundaries are healthy and not just a distraction from your pain. For more on healthy versus toxic boundaries, listen to my recent podcast. Work on forgiving the person who hurt you even if they don’t apologize -Work on forgiving the person who hurt you even if they don’t apologize to disentangle yourself from the pain. For more on this, listen to my recent podcast on forgiveness. -Explore the “why” behind your feelings, and a great way to do this is using the using the Neurocycle mind management method, which I discuss in detail in my latest book Cleaning Up Your Mental Mess and my app Neurocycle. The Neurocycle is a way to harness your thinking power that I have developed and researched over the past three decades. It has 5 steps: Gather awareness of how you feel mentally and physically when you think about what happened. Reflect on how you feel. Why do you think you feel this way? Write down your reflections to help organize your thinking. Recheck: think about what your thoughts and feelings are trying to tell you. What does it say about how you view the person/situation? What is your antidote—how will you take action to protect your mental health and take control of your story? Look for clues in your writing, then start to reconceptualize the way you are thinking about what happened and the person who hurt you. Do your active reach. This is a thought or action you need to practice daily to help you reconceptualize what you worked on in the previous steps. What are you going to do to protect your own wellbeing and boundaries? What action steps are you going to take? Remember that you can’t fix or change the person who is impacting you in a negative way—don’t try to force someone to apologize. Focus on your own response and healing. Remember that moving forward and healing doesn’t depend on someone’s apology. Don’t give that person this power over you. Remind yourself that you get to write your own story. You cannot control the circumstances of life, but you can control your reaction to what happens to you. You have power over your own story, and you do not have to stay connected to the person who harmed you. For more on moving on without an apology, listen to my podcast (episode #470). Podcast Highlights 0:50 What happens when someone hurts you & doesn’t apologize 2:08 Tips to manage your mental health when someone doesn’t apologize 5:47, 15:57 How to use mind management to heal when someone hurts you This podcast and blog are for educational purposes only and are not intended as medical advice. We always encourage each person to make the decision that seems best for their situation with the guidance of a medical professional. To read the original article click here.

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Toxic Positivity: What it is, How it Hurts & What to Say Instead

AHA Publisher — Fri, 11 Mar 2022 08:00:34 +0000

Dr. Caroline Leaf – In this podcast (#359) and blog, I talk to therapist and author Whitney Goodman about her new book on toxic positivity, why good intentions are sometimes not good enough, and more! As Whitney notes in her new book, toxic positivity tends to shut down conversations and often stops people from truly connecting—especially when it comes to the hard “stuff” we all face as we live our lives. Even if someone is just trying to be nice by saying things like “everything happens for a reason” or “remember, the glass is half full”, the person sharing their pain and struggles can feel silenced by these seemingly innocuous platitudes. It can make the person struggling feel like their distress is making the other person uncomfortable or scared, which often feels like rejection. Yes, trying to be positive is not necessarily a bad thing. It can, however, become toxic when we shame ourselves for having normal human emotions by saying things like “I have so much to be grateful for” or “it’s not such a big deal” when we feel sad, angry, or distressed. Even positive affirmations can become toxic. If we say something to ourselves that we do not truly believe, we can experience a disconnect between where we are in life and what expectations we place on ourselves, which can lead to guilt, shame, and a feeling that there is something intrinsically wrong with us. There is essentially a large gap between what we say and what we believe, and this can have a significant impact our mental wellbeing. Instead of trying to plaster over or ignore this gap, we should try to sit with the pain and discomfort and get to the root of why we feel the way we do, or what the person sharing their struggles with us is actually trying to say. We shouldn’t run just away from uncomfortable emotions. We are not designed to be happy all the time. In fact, when we suppress our painful emotions, we weaken ourselves, mentally and physically. Yes, we may have the best of intentions when it comes to ourselves and others, but sometimes that is not enough. When it comes to what we say to ourselves and what we say to others, it is far better to think about what impact our behavior will have. Indeed, if we are trying to support someone, we should ask them how we can validate what they are going through in a way that works for them, not in a way that feels good for us. As Whitney points out, positivity and good intentions can quickly become toxic if we don’t pay attention to the timing, our audience and the topic. Toxic positivity can also show up in different ways on a societal level, including as racial prejudice. Using phrases like “let’s all just love each other” when talking about race can invalidate the pain and traumatic experiences that many people face on a daily basis. When we use positivity in this way, it shuts down open and honest communication. As a result, we run the risk of not making the personal and societal changes that need to be made, which will only make things worse in our society. We should never use positivity to hide the ugly—in our life or in our communities. Part of dealing with toxic positivity is learning how to complain better—yes, you read that right! When done excessively, complaining can be unhealthy. But complaining is not just a “bad” thing. When people know what they want to complain about (the facts), what they want to change (the results), and how to/who can make this change happen, complaining can be quite effective in making actual change happen. Indeed, when these complaints are listened to with compassion and understanding, it can be quite therapeutic for the people involved. However, when these three things don’t line up and become a toxic loop, or are just met with random platitudes, then complaining can become unhealthy. To read the original article click here.

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How To Move on Without an Apology

Toxic Positivity: What it is, How it Hurts & What to Say Instead