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Why We Should All Cry More, The Mental & Physical Health Benefits of Crying + Is There a Right Way to Cry?

AHA Publisher — Wed, 02 Jun 2021 07:00:20 +0000

Dr. Caroline Leaf – In this podcast (episode #282) and blog, I talk about why crying is not a sign of weakness, the neuroscience behind crying, and how crying can be very beneficial both mentally and physically, especially when it comes to stress reduction, and more! First up, it is important to note that crying is a complex and important behavior that has (surprisingly!) received relatively little attention from scientists. One of [the] main hypothesis regrading crying is that it is a way of signaling distress, joy or empathy, thereby promoting social interaction and support. In other words, crying is one of the main ways we use our body language to communicate how we feel and what we need to others. It can help us bond in a community and build meaningful relationships that enhance our life. Of course, there is little debate that tears are significant social signals. Recent research even theorizes that “crying is an arousing behavior in response to distress, as well as a soothing behavior that reduces arousal after distress.” Based on this study, tears can be both a signal and validating response, helping us recognize and process the highs and lows of life. One area of research that has been studied in depth is emotions, and the importance of finding healthy ways to express our thoughts and feelings. A number of studies have shown suppressing our complex thoughts with their embedded emotions can have negative repercussions in the mind, brain and body, which I discuss in detail in my book Cleaning Up Your Mental Mess and examine in my recent clinical trials. It is important to remember that thoughts are a product of our mind, and take up real estate in the mind and brain. Thoughts look like trees and are made of proteins, chemicals and electromagnetic energy. They are dynamic (always growing and changing) and are made of memories, like a tree is made of branches and roots that grow. Memories are made up of a combination of our experiences, our interpretations of these experiences and our emotions, and are “volcanic” in nature. What this means is that sometimes the emotions get so energized that they “spill” over (or need to be expressed in varying degrees of intensity) to restore balance in the mind and brain. This “spillover” essentially acts as a signal of an underlying issue in our life, much like the ebbs and flows of the earth that signal an oncoming volcanic eruption. Tears are one way many people express their emotions to restore a sense of balance or equilibrium in their life. I am sure you have experienced this feeling at some point in your life! After a good cry, things often feel better, even if nothing has changed per se. But what exactly are tears, and where do they come from? Tears come from the lacrimal glands in the eyes. When we start crying, there is an increase in sympathetic activity in the brain and body, which kindles our flight or fight response; when we stop crying there is an increase in parasympathetic activity in the brain and body, which helps calm us down (we go into “rest and digest mode). Prolactin is one of the main chemicals that is released when we cry. Although prolactin is released when breastfeeding, it is also released in both males and females in response to negative and positive stress, and may help us manage our stress response. Other chemicals related to crying are oxytocin, vasopressin, and endogenous opioids, all of which can make us feel calm and more in control when released. Crying also appears to activate the central autonomic network in the brain and the anterior central gyrus (ACC). The former helps restore balance in the brain and body, while the ACC is involved in cognitive fluency. This implies that the experience that led to the tears–good or bad—disturbed the balance or homeostasis in the neural networks, and affected the person’s ability to think. Consequently, crying is the mind and body’s way of restoring a degree of balance to the brain and unblocking thinking, a bit like “letting off steam” can relieve pressure in a machine. When it comes to crying, there is no right and wrong way to cry, nor is there a “right” amount to cry. Just as everyone is different, our need to cry will be different, based on our own uniqueness as individuals and the particular situation we find ourselves in. The important point is NOT to suppress our feelings or feel shame for crying. It’s a perfectly normal, human response to both happy and adverse circumstances, and is a part of what it means to be human. Crying is a messenger. It’s telling us something about ourselves and what we are going through. Consequently, any changes in a person’s unique pattern of responding or crying is worth paying attention to. For example, if you or someone close to you normally only cries now and then, but are suddenly crying a lot more, this may be a sign worth paying attention to. To read the original article click here. For more articles from Dr. Leaf click here.

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The New Rules of Aging, Common Meds that Shouldn’t Be Common +Mental Health Benefits of Small Movements

AHA Publisher — Wed, 11 Nov 2020 08:00:07 +0000

Dr. Caroline Leaf – As I have gotten older (I am in my 50s), I have started to come across a lot more “you are getting old” jokes and comments. Yes, some of them are quite funny, but how true are the assumptions behind the jokes? Does aging really have to be that bad? In this podcast (episode #221) and blog, I speak with Dr. Frank Lipman, bestselling author and a leader in the field of Functional Medicine, about aging well, how to build a strong immune system, how to start improving your health and longevity right now, and so much more! The New Rules of Aging Well As Dr. Lipman points out in his new book, The New Rules of Aging Well, a lot of ancient wisdom like the importance of meditation and the power of community is now being combined with the latest science, showing us that these things are very real and they work. We can learn so much from both ancient wisdom and the latest science when it comes to our health and how we age. Often, we are so enamored by the latest scientific advances that we forget about the ordinary things that have extraordinary effects on our health, like music, kindness, sleep and volunteering—all these things are also “medicine”! We also need to remember that it is normal to age. However, how well we age is determined by our health and lifestyle choices. Our lifespan is how long we will live; our health span is how long we are going to live healthy. To age well, we want to extend our health span into our lifespan. This means living LONGER and HEALTHIER. A lot of aging depends on how you choose to live your life every day. What are some ways that you can start improving your health and the way you age today? 1. Eating less and eating better. An easy way to start eating less right now is intermittent fasting. Fasting, like avoiding eating for 14-16 hours at night, is one of the most powerful things you can do to age better. It helps with your weight, digestion, longevity, blood pressure, energy levels, self-cleansing mechanisms and more! Fasting is a type of good stress on the body. 2. Movement is important as you age. Try to move as much as possible all day long, even if this just means walking. High intensity and strength training are also good forms of stress on the body, which can positively affect the body as you age, especially when it comes to your muscle mass. 3. Sleeping well. This can be harder as you get older, but you just need to pay a little more attention to it and listen to your body. As Dr. Lipman notes, sleep preparation begins in the morning, not at night. Sleep is the body’s primary rhythm. It is something we need to start preparing in the morning by becoming aware of all our rhythms and cycles during the day. We can start doing this by: Getting a lot of good natural light first thing in the morning. Waking up around the same time each day. 4. Find the joy in life. Laugh at yourself—don’t take yourself or your aging too seriously! This is great for your mental and physical health. What you do to age well will also strengthen your immune system. If you take care of your mind and body, you will take care of your immune system—all these things work together. There is no one way to age well—it is a lifestyle. And it is never too late to start changing and improving your health and the way you age. Tons of research shows that this is possible, even if you are in your 60s and 70s! Just start where you are, and focus on small changes in the areas you are having the most issues, like sleep or exercise. When you start feeling the difference in these areas of your life, you will be motivated to carry on. Never forget that simple things often make the biggest difference. It is also important to look at what you can change within yourself first, rather than going for expensive treatments all the time. How well you age is determined by how you choose to live your life—it is an attitude! To read the original article click here. For more articles from Dr. Leaf click here.

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Setting Healthy Boundaries: How to Know When & How to Say NO

AHA Publisher — Wed, 22 Jan 2020 05:45:30 +0000

Dr. Caroline Leaf – We all know that community is important for mental health, but what happens when people demand too much from us? How do we know when and how to say no before we feel drained and burnout? As I discuss in this week’s podcast with Dr. Henry Cloud, acclaimed leadership expert, bestselling author and psychologist, boundaries are as important as community when it comes to our mental health. It is not selfish to say no or give ourselves a break. We all need space, or what Dr. Cloud calls “property lines”, in our relationships. These lines set healthy limits in a friendship, and make sure people don’t throw their “trash” into your yard (figuratively speaking) or try control what you do and how you live. These are not walls: they are permeable. Ideally, we open our boundaries to let in good relationships, but we close them to keep out to threats and danger. But, you may ask, what can you do when you feel obligated to say “yes” all the time and let people in all the time? How do you set boundaries without affecting the quality of your relationships? When and how can you actually say no to protect your mental and physical health? 1. Remember the golden rule: Relationship boundaries should have consequences, like everything we do and say in life: what you sow you should reap, and boundaries are only boundaries if they are enforced. If you are in a relationship with a toxic person who is irresponsible and abusive, for example, that person ought to reap what they sow, and the relationship should come to an end. However, if there are not clear boundaries in this relationship, then you can become an enabler, and the toxic behavior continues to negatively affect both of you—that person is throwing their “trash” across your property line, and now you have become dependent on the hope that maybe one day they will stop causing you pain…maybe one day they will change. If, on the other hand, you decide to leave the toxic relationship, recognizing that you can’t control the other person but you can control your own boundaries, and that you need to do so to protect your mental and physical health, you can take back control of your own property: your life. The other person is now left with the consequences of what they have done, and that just may be the spark that kindles their desire to actually change, because they see that their behavior has definite consequences. Saying no to people that are self-centered, draining and co-dependent is not only acceptable, but often necessary for our mental wellbeing. You can still be there for someone if they are in dire need, but you do not have to let them affect your day-to-day life. You have limited energy to invest in people, so choose your relationships wisely. I also recommend asking yourself these questions when deciding whether or not the relationship is worth investing in: • Do you like who you are or who you have become in the relationship? If you have changed, how so? Are these good changes or bad ones? • Do you feel that the other person makes an effort to develop the relationship, or do you feel that you are the only person trying? • Do you feel loved and appreciated, or manipulated and used? • Do you actually like this person? Ask yourself if the negatives outweigh their positive attributes. • Do they keep saying they will change, but never make an effort to do so? At the end of the day, only you will know if you should end a relationship or not, because only you know when your boundaries have been crossed one too many times. 2. Be clear about your boundaries: Often, we keep our boundaries secret out of fear of affecting a relationship or affecting how someone sees us, and we end up saying yes to things we don’t want to do, or do not let others know when they have invaded our personal space and upset us, which can make us feel trapped, out of control, uncomfortable, resentful and anxious. This, in turn, will impact not only our mental wellbeing but also our physical health, because our feelings will become embodied and change the way our brain and body functions—right down to the level of our genes. Boundaries, like property lines, need to be clear, so that other people know when they are crossing them, and when they are causing pain. When you understand why you need space, and how important this space is, you can let other people know in a calm and collected way what you want and need. Say, for example, a co-worker keeps wanting to go out for drinks or dinner after work; instead of saying yes and dreading it, or shouting “stop bothering me!”, say something like “It has been a long day and I need some ‘me’ downtime after work, as it helps me function better, so I am not going to go out today.” Let people know when they have crossed your boundary. At the same time, don’t feel the need to overexplain! You have a right to rest and relaxation—the brain does not function well without it. In fact, when we go into a directed rest state (that is when we are intentional about relaxing and giving our minds a break), we enhance and increase the effectiveness of our thinking, which allows us to be a more helpful and better friend and family member. So, if you find yourself feeling guilty for saying “no” and trying to make someone else happy by giving long explanations and stumbling over why, stop, take a deep breath, and just say calmly “no, I need a break because of…”. If the other person does not understand or reacts negatively, don’t take it personally: you are not responsible for how they choose to react to the situation, but you can choose to control your own life—don’t let them take that control from you. 3. Know your own boundaries: All relationships are different, and require different types of boundaries. This is particularly case with romantic relationships, when two people are so close that they have essentially redefined their boundaries around each other: they have become “one”, but there are still two people experiencing that “oneness.” When you enter a romantic partnership, you are essentially opening yourself up to someone on a much deeper level, which means you affect each other more profoundly. This, in turn, requires that you both have greater knowledge and control over your feelings and attitudes, so that you don’t inadvertently cross the boundaries between each other and cause havoc in the relationship. For instance, if you feel that your boundary has been crossed and your partner has hurt you, you should be able to say in a reasonable way “hey, we need to talk about…, because what you did really hurt me.” You let them know about the boundary that has been crossed, and you deal with it in a loving way. However, if you are not in control of yourself, you can end up screaming and shouting at your partner, and can end up crossing their own boundaries and causing a huge fight, which will impact your relationship and leave you both distressed and in pain. When you know your own boundaries, you can be more in control of how you react when those boundaries are crossed, and how you communicate your boundaries to the people in your life, whether they are lovers, friends, family or coworkers. You can begin to see that being able to say “no” is not antithetical to a good relationship; it defines a good relationship. Knowing your own boundaries means knowing yourself on a deeper level, which will only enrich your relationships because you are comfortable and happy with being fully you with another person. But you cannot truly know your boundaries if you do not know how you uniquely think and react to your experiences and relationships, that is how you think, feel and choose as an individual, which I discuss in my book The Perfect You and on my podcast. As Socrates once said, the “unexamined life is not worth living”; when you know yourself and how you think, you not only understand yourself better, but you understand what you need and want in a relationship, and can communicate this clearly to a partner, friend, family member and co-worker. I have found that keeping a journal of my thoughts and experiences can be incredibly helpful when it comes to organizing my thoughts and understand my unique perceptions and reactions to life. You can also check out the gift questionnaire in The Perfect You book and my online program that I developed over twenty-five years ago, which is a way of gaining insight into the amazing world of thinking, and is the first thing that I would do with my patients to show them the power of their customized thinking, and how to understand themselves better and communicate their needs and desires in their relationships. 4. Protect your own mental health when helping someone in need: When it comes to dealing with people who need help, knowing your own needs and boundaries can help protect your mental health. Of course, we are designed for community; we thrive in environments when we are needed and where we need others, but this need can become challenging if we are not careful, as I discussed in a recent podcast and blog. So, if you feel stressed out by someone you are trying to help, set definitive boundaries: be there for them when you can, but be clear you are there to support them in their journey where you can, not to fix them. Make sure you have a designated partner, friend or family member you can talk to to help you process the situation and your emotions. I personally love to use my time in the sauna as a mental health break if I feel drained by a relationship. I also incorporate “thinker moments” into my day, as I discuss in my book Think, Learn, Succeed, and my recent blog and podcast. These moments help me switch off to the external and switch on to the internal, giving my brain a rest and allowing it to reboot by letting my mind wander and daydream. This increases my clarity of mind and ability to problem-solve and be there for the person I am trying to help. So, be intentional about creating mental health boundaries throughout your day, especially when you are dealing with challenging relationships! My new app Switch is also a great tool for helping you protect and maintain your own mental health. It is based on my 5-step program, which is designed to help you build a healthy new, thinking habits daily that protect your mental wellbeing and increase your clarity of thought, enabling you to deal with the challenges of life (including difficult relationships!). For more on boundaries and mental health, listen to this week’s podcast with Dr. Henry Cloud! To read the original article click here. For more articles from Dr. Leaf click here.

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Why the Self-Help Industry is Contributing to the Loneliness Epidemic & What We Can Do About It

AHA Publisher — Thu, 19 Sep 2019 05:49:20 +0000

Dr. Caroline Leaf – We need to understand that it’s not just about us; it is about us in the world. If we truly want to help ourselves, we have to be intentional about our “social health”. This means being connected in deep, meaningful ways, not just cursory lunches, obligatory meetings or the odd “hello” now and again. The self-help industry appears, from its name alone, to be a good thing: who doesn’t want to help themselves? Who doesn’t want to be more independent and self-sufficient? However, as I discuss in this week’s blog and podcast, it does have a darker side, and can often make us more self-involved and isolated, which, in turn, can have a negative impact on both our mental and physical health. In many cases, the $45 billion dollar a year self-help industry is problematic because it promotes the idea that to be better you have to focus on the self as an individual, which is only half the picture. Yes, we do need to take the time to see to our own health and work on ourselves, both mentally and physically (as I have mentioned many times before!), but this is not the be all and end all of life. A “me, myself and I” mentality tends to distort our perspectives and values, impacting the way we see and interact with those around us and setting up negative feedback loops in the brain that affect our overall health and wellbeing. Indeed, focusing solely on helping ourselves actually goes against our biology and the design of the brain, as I discuss in my book, Think, Learn, Succeed. We need each other to be better; we need each other to heal. People can and do die from loneliness, while research shows that the more we use “I” words, the more we increase our risk of dying of heart disease! This is serious stuff. Community is so important. Let’s look at Japan for example: they have some of the highest rates of smoking among men (which we all know is not the best for our health!), but they also have one of the healthiest populations, with the most centenarians. What is going on here? According to research, one of the main factors is community: Japan is an incredibly connected culture with a strong community focus, which appears to have helped offset some of the risks associated with lifestyle choices such as smoking and high blood pressure. However, this study also found that when people from Japan moved to America and adopted the more individualized social mores of the country, their risk for heart disease increased by 3 to 5 times! This individualization has in many ways led to a social system that locates all our successes, and all our problems, in between our ears. Mass shootings, for instance, are often seen as the result of an individual’s particular issues. But this is just one side of the coin; we need to recognize and respond to the societal ills that also impacted this person’s choices, and we need to acknowledge how we are all connected and what we say, think and do matters (whether we like it or not). Likewise, the increasing rates of suicide are not just an “individual” matter; in many cases, they reflect the widespread isolation and loneliness that millions suffer from today. It’s not just all “in the head” (for more on loneliness and suicide, see my recent podcast). We need to understand that it’s not just about us; it is about us in the world. If we truly want to help ourselves, we have to be intentional about our “social health”. This means being connected in deep, meaningful ways, not just cursory lunches, obligatory meetings or the odd “hello” now and again. It means being deliberate about how and why we connect with others, and making this a habit in our lives. This is integral for our mental, physical and emotional health, and is more important than any diet, exercise plan or brain game, as recent research from the University of Exeter has shown. The more we are involved in a social group, the less our risk of death is from all causes, while relationships of any kind have been shown to improve our chances of survival by up to 50%! It is also important to note that, when it comes to the notion of “self-help”, we are actually not meant to be happy all the time. In my practice, my travels and in my research, I have often observed that many people equate individual happiness with the good life, and pursue it as an end goal. And, when they don’t get what they want, or when positive affirmations and self-help techniques do not “work”, they are at a loss, and think they are not good enough and cannot be fixed, which creates all sorts of identity and mental health problems! Yes, it is good to be happy, but that is not all life is, and it is perfectly okay to experience other emotions like sadness and grief when things don’t work out (which often happens, since we do not control everything), and learn from these experiences—this is often how we grow and mature as human beings. It’s okay to feel sad; these emotions are signals that we actually need to listen to, not suppress or cover with “happiness” (for more on this, see my recent blog). We really aren’t designed to be happy and get what we want all the time! Living for the self, which unfortunately our society tends to promote, is incredibly destructive and toxic, especially since we merge with the world around us. We need to be connected to not only survive, but also to thrive: deep, meaningful connections are our deepest need. We need to stop thinking that asking for help is a bad thing. We don’t have to feel guilty if we need to reach out to others; we need to balance working on ourselves with reaching out, being vulnerable and connecting with others. This brings perspective and helps us move through and overcome the issues of life. We all need to share, and we all need to listen and help others in a non-judgmental way, which, amazingly, helps us heal as well. Close relationships from childhood and into adulthood have actually been shown to offer lifelong protection against all kinds of illnesses, including heart disease! Loving support helps us deal with toxic stress, making it work for us and not against us, boosting our mental resilience and helping us cope with the vagaries of life. So, how can you focus on your “social health”? 1. Are you spending quality time with your family? Do you do fun things together? Do you support each other? Are you listening and tuning into their needs? Do you put down your phone when you are speaking with a family member? Think of ways you can start doing this today. 2. Join or start a social group. Start a volunteer group or a book club, join an exercise class and make friends, go to talk therapy, or help someone you know who is hurting. The opportunities to reach out and foster community are endless! 3. Count how many times you use “I” words like me, myself, mine and so on in a 24-hour period, and aim to reduce this. A journal can be helpful to keep track of what you are thinking and saying, which makes it easier to change the way you speak about yourself. 4. Make an effort to be aware of what people around you are going through and make an effort to reach out and help them, even if that just means listening to them and being there for them as they cry. If you are so involved in helping yourself, you will often miss the needs of those around you, so make an effort to reach out to the people in your life. 5. Make random acts of kindness an important part of your day. Take the time to drop off lunch for a loved one, pay for a stranger’s coffee, help someone carry their shopping bags, text someone how much you appreciate them, compliment someone on their outfit or hair—the list is endless. 6. Check if you have a competitive “me, myself and I” philosophy. If this sounds familiar, work on this, as it can impact the quality of your relationships and connections with others. 7. Manage your toxic stress. Are you consumed with your own issues? Often, learning how to manage our stress levels can help us be kinder to others, which will improve the quality of our relationships and our ability to connect with others. My new app Switch is a great tool for helping you go through this process. It is based on my 5-step program, which is designed to help you identify and eliminate the root of your toxic stress, and help you build a healthy new thinking habits through the mental process of reconceptualization. The deep human need we have as individuals to connect cannot be ignored or suppressed. It is an integral part of our overall health and wellbeing, and plays a key role in mental self-care. It is often the central determinant in whether we are sick or healthy, or whether we live and die. So, I challenge you today to make community an important part of your life. I know it can be hard, and I know it is often challenging to open yourself up to others, but the risks are worth it! For more information on the self-help industry, loneliness and mental health, listen to my podcast (episode #95). To read the original article click here. For more articles by Dr. Leaf click here.

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