boundaries Archives - Amazing Health Advances

How to Teach Your Kids About Boundaries

The AHA! Team — Fri, 31 May 2024 05:33:24 +0000

Dr. Caroline Leaf – In this podcast (episode #504) and blog, I talk about the importance of teaching your child about boundaries. This is part 1 of a 2-part series on parenting, boundaries, and mental health. From the moment children are born, they are tied to their environment and the people within their environment. They are born into a community which they both shape and are shaped by. A child’s identity is closely tied to their community – their family, friends, and other acquaintances. Children develop a sense of who they are in relation to who they are with. This has both a huge potential for growth and connection and a huge potential for harm, which is why teaching your child how to have healthy relationships from a young age is so important for their mental and physical wellbeing. One of the best ways to teach your child about healthy relationships is to teach them how to set boundaries and model what healthy boundaries look like in your own life and with your child. Explain to your child that boundaries are rooted in respect for oneself and respect for others, and show them what this looks like in your own life. Explain to your child that boundaries are rooted in respect for oneself and respect for others A great way of showing your child what boundaries are is by using everyday explanations and examples so that they can grasp the idea better. Give your child different options for events that happen daily, where they have to make a decision based on how they feel in the moment. For example, when a child wants to play with something that may not be safe for them to play with, tell them they cannot play with that object, but don’t just leave the matter there. Explain to them why that object is not a toy, then give them a few options of things that they can play with and have them decide what they want to do. In this case, you set a boundary for something the child is not allowed to do, you explain why, and then you let them decide what they feel they want to do with the other options available. It is also important to remember that boundaries are not just for older children or adults. They are a set of rules someone creates that identifies them as an individual and sets out what they emotionally and physically like or dislike. It is a way someone, regardless of their age, can let the people in their life know what makes them feel comfortable in their own environment, and, as such, boundaries can help build and develop stronger connections with other people. A great way to teach our children about healthy boundaries is to respect their space, time, privacy and emotions, even when they are young (depending on their age and developmental level, and considering your child’s safety). If we want our children to be able to set healthy boundaries with others, they should be able to “practice” this by setting boundaries with the people they feel the safest with—their parents or caregivers. Let them know that if they are uncomfortable with something, then it is okay to tell us. We can do this by truly listening to what our children say, observing how they react, and creating space to let them know that if they are uncomfortable with something, then it is okay to tell us. For example, if your child does not want to be hugged by other people (even a close family member like a grandmother), letting them know their feelings are okay teaches them how to navigate relationship challenges from a young age. I want to stress this point because we usually hear about how important it is to set boundaries with your children and how to tell them no, but not enough about acknowledging and accepting our children’s own need for boundaries. Even though children may not fully grasp the concept of boundaries, they are very aware that there are certain things that they do not enjoy or feel comfortable with. When we as parents and guardians acknowledge this, we give our children the confidence to voice their needs and desires, as well as teaching them from youth the importance of saying “no” and the value of consent. Of course, this doesn’t mean that we just let our children do what they want in the name of “boundaries”. Rather, it means that, as parents and caregivers, we need to distinguish between enforcing the necessary parts of parenting (for example, like brushing their teeth or going to bed at a certain time), while also understanding that our children also need space to learn establish their own boundaries, desires and shape their own identity (within the comfort of their home, knowing that we as parents are there as a “safety net” to help and guide them). This will look different for different ages and situations, but includes things like not sharing information about your child’s personal struggles on social media without their permission, or, when they are older, not sharing anything that they have told you in confidence with others unless it is a matter of their safety. Some parents may think they have a right to do this, but it shows their child that their personal privacy is not respected, and this can quickly backfire, often encouraging your child to hide more of their life from you. For more on teaching your child about boundaries, listen to my podcast (episode #504). Podcast Highlights 2:00 How to help your child clean up their mental mess 8:20 Why it is important to teach your child about boundaries 11:20 Why we need to model boundaries for our children & teach them what boundaries look like in their own lives 14:20 Why it is important to create a safe space at home for our children 15:45 What boundaries are & why they are an important part of raising resilient children 18:16 Boundaries are for everyone, even young children! 22:40, 25:14 What it means to respect your child’s boundaries This podcast and blog are for educational purposes only and are not intended as medical advice. We always encourage each person to make the decision that seems best for their situation with the guidance of a medical professional. To read the original article click here.

The post How to Teach Your Kids About Boundaries appeared first on Amazing Health Advances.

When & How to Set Boundaries with Friends

AHA Publisher — Fri, 09 Dec 2022 08:00:29 +0000

Dr. Caroline Leaf – In this podcast (episode #436) and blog, I talk about setting boundaries in friendships, and why it is okay to be honest and ask a friend for space. It is always okay to ask for space in a relationship. Boundaries are an important part of a healthy bond, as I discussed in a recent podcast and blog. We all have our own unique needs for “space”, and we need to be able to communicate where we are and what we need to our loved ones, including our friends. If being around a certain person or group of people is affecting how you are processing life, you need to be able to ask for space. This doesn’t necessarily mean the person is “bad”; it could just be that their presence is not what you need in a particular moment or stage of your life. Our nonconscious mind (which many scientists consider the most intelligent part of the human psyche), as well as the brain and body, can sense our unease before we are consciously aware of how we feel about a situation or person, and send us warning signals like anxiety or a stomachache, which tells us to pay attention because something is affecting our internal homeostasis—our sense of wellbeing. These warning signals, which originate from our psychoneurobiology (the mind-body-brain connection), include: Emotions (such as unease, guilt and confusion when we are around someone) Behaviors (like withdrawing, overcompensating, or apologizing frequently around a person) Bodily sensations (for example, an adrenalin rush, a gut ache or muscle tension if we know we are going to meet a friend we actually don’t want to be around at the moment) Perspective (when we think things like “what’s wrong with me?!” or “am I a bad person?”) Ignoring these signals can result in imbalanced energy across the two hemispheres of the brain, called alpha and beta asymmetry, as well as a drop in dopamine. As a result, we can lose a lot of our insight and perspective, which is a red light that we need to put up some boundaries to manage our own mental and physical health. But communicating your needs can be really hard, especially if you are asking for space but do not want to end a relationship. I don’t recommend using the words “I need space” or “I am putting up boundaries because I cannot be around you right now”, as this may hurt the other person or result in a negative response that will block their ability to process and understand what you are asking. Here are some examples of things you can say in person, via phone, text or email, or in a letter: 1. “Hey! Sorry, but I am going to have to take a mental health rain check right now. I don’t have the capacity to devote energy to our friendship at the moment. I won’t be able tune into your needs in the way a friend should right now. Thanks so much for understanding!” This way of talking focuses on what I call the “emotional oxygen mask”. We cannot truly be there for a friend if we are not able support ourselves and our needs. Like the oxygen mask in an airplane, we must put our mask on first before we can truly help others. 2. “Hey! I just want to say I do value you and our friendship, but I just can’t be there for you at the moment because I am focusing on sorting some major issues in my own life. [Here you can go into as much detail as you feel comfortable with and can add things like career, business, school, family members et cetera]”. Saying something like this gives the other person context to the boundary you are putting up, which is important if what you are asking for is space. It will help them understand where you are and what you need, rather than just reacting to what you are saying. 3. If your friend sends you a long response and wants to deal with the issue immediately, or if they respond negatively, you could say something like: “Thank you for your response – I really appreciate it. I don’t know how to reply at the moment, and hope you understand I need some time to process what you have said.” Remember, you don’t have to respond to anything after this! If your friend is angry at you, remind yourself that they too may need some time to process what you said, and that is perfectly okay. If they are truly your friend, they will eventually understand that you need space, and will be more willing to wait for when you are ready, since they know who you are and your character. To read the original article click here.

The post When & How to Set Boundaries with Friends appeared first on Amazing Health Advances.

Identifying, Setting & Enforcing Boundaries with Friends

AHA Publisher — Fri, 15 Apr 2022 07:00:23 +0000

Dr. Caroline Leaf – In this podcast (episode #368) and blog, I am going to talk about boundaries in friendships, and why it is okay to be honest and ask a friend for space. It is always okay to ask for space in a relationship. Boundaries are an important part of a healthy bond, as I discussed in a recent podcast and blog. We all have our own unique needs for “space”, and we need to be able to communicate where we are and what we need to our loved ones, including our friends. We need to remember that we are “experts” on how we feel and the context of our lives at any given moment. If being around a certain person or group of people is affecting how you are processing life, you need to be able to ask for space. This doesn’t necessarily mean the person is “bad”; it could just be that their presence is not what you need in a particular moment or stage of your life. Our nonconscious mind (which many scientists consider the most intelligent part of the human psyche), as well as the brain and body, can sense our unease before we are consciously aware of how we feel about a situation or person, and send us warning signals like anxiety or a stomachache, which tells us to pay attention because something is affecting our internal homeostasis—our sense of wellbeing. These warning signals, which originate from our psychoneurobiology (the mind-body-brain connection), include: emotions (such as unease, guilt and confusion when we are around someone) behaviors (like withdrawing, overcompensating, or apologizing frequently around a person) bodily sensations (for example, an adrenalin rush, a gut ache or muscle tension if we know we are going to meet a friend we actually don’t want to be around at the moment) perspective (when we think things like “what’s wrong with me?!” or “am I a bad person?”) Ignoring these signals can result in imbalanced energy across the two hemispheres of the brain, called alpha and beta asymmetry, as well as a drop in dopamine. As a result, we can lose a lot of our insight and perspective, which is a red light that we need to put up some boundaries to manage our own mental and physical health. But communicating your needs can be really hard, especially if you are asking for space but do not want to end a relationship. I don’t recommend using the words “I need space” or “I am putting up boundaries because I cannot be around you right now”, as this may hurt the other person or result in a negative response that will block their ability to process and understand what you are asking. Here are some examples of things you can say in person, via phone, text or email, or in a letter: 1. “Hey! Sorry, but I am going to have to take a mental health rain check right now. I don’t have the capacity to devote energy to our friendship at the moment. I won’t be able tune into your needs in the way a friend should right now. Thanks so much for understanding!” This way of talking focuses on what I call the “emotional oxygen mask”. We cannot truly be there for a friend if we are not able support ourselves and our needs. Like the oxygen mask in an airplane, we must put our mask on first before we can truly help others. 2. “Hey! I just want to say I do value you and our friendship, but I just can’t be there for you at the moment because I am focusing on sorting some major issues in my own life. [Here you can go into as much detail as you feel comfortable with and can add things like career, business, school, family members et cetera]”. Saying something like this gives the other person context to the boundary you are putting up, which is important if what you are asking for is space. It will help them understand where you are and what you need, rather than just reacting to what you are saying. 3. If your friend sends you a long response and wants to deal with the issue immediately, or if they respond negatively, you could say something like: “Thank you for your response – I really appreciate it. I don’t know how to reply at the moment, and hope you understand I need some time to process what you have said.” Remember, you don’t have to respond to anything after this! If your friend is angry at you, remind yourself that they too may need some time to process what you said, and that is perfectly okay. If they are truly your friend, they will eventually understand that you need space, and will be more willing to wait for when you are ready, since they know who you are and your character. To read the original article click here.

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What to Do When People Don’t Accept Your Boundaries

AHA Publisher — Fri, 03 Sep 2021 07:00:51 +0000

Dr. Caroline Leaf – In this podcast (episode #312) and blog, I am going to talk about how to respond in a healthy way when people don’t respond well to you taking ownership of your mental health and life. Recently I put up this post on social media:“You were never hard to love. You were just getting harder to manipulate & control. You were getting better at honoring your boundaries”. Based on the great responses and questions, I decided this is something that needs to be discussed in a podcast! As you start to heal and prioritize your mental health, you may notice people reacting negatively as you change. There are many reasons for this, which I am going to go through, but before I do, I want to emphasize that you were never hard to love. You are phenomenal. And I am not saying that to make you feel all warm inside; I am saying it as a scientist and researcher. Your psychoneurobiology (mind, brain and body) is wired for love, which is amazing! There is something you can do that no one else can do, which is also incredible! Besides the different structures of your brain, you have about 200 specializations across the different parts of your brain that are aligned in a unique and wonderful way, making you you. Just wow! All this means that your brain is inherently specialized. The cerebral cortex has 200 structures, each with specialized circuits. Everything that you process as you go through life is more efficient when done with a specialized circuit, which is how the brain works. Yes, there is a limit to how many areas there are and how many circuits within those areas exist, because the human skull is limited to a certain size. Yet we all have our own unique 200 areas, or what I call our “perfect you”, which gives us a unique way of perceiving and being in the world—I call this the “wise mind” in all of us. When all this specialization between individuals comes together, we can enhance each other’s existence using our “wise minds”, which is essentially what it means to be part of a community! But, of course, life happens, and adverse circumstances can mess with this beautiful specialization, temporarily blocking our wise mind. The brain is always changing in response to the mind, and this can go in both a negative and positive direction, which is known as the plastic paradox. When we go through hard times, we are messy because our minds get messy—this is part of what it means to be human. However, when we are messy, this can impact those around us, upsetting the natural balance that we, as humans, seek out. Consequently, the people around us may try to restore this balance, and this can potentially make things messier. It is important to note that healing can be very messy, and that seeing loved ones in pain is messy. When this happens, our perspectives can become very dominant to help us survive and cope, which, in turn, makes it difficult to see anything except our own point of view. When this happens, it often feels like the person in your life is trying to control or manipulate you, or is getting frustrated with or resentful of you. They just cannot understand why you are not taking their advice, why you are taking so long to heal or why you aren’t doing it their way. As I said, it can become very messy! But there is hope. When this happens, the situation can be repaired, and all parties involved can grow from this, if they can work through it individually and as a community, which involves a lot of mind management! But how? Here are some tips to handle this kind of situation: 1. Remind yourself that they don’t really understand what you are going through, and you are not responsible for how they choose to react. Most of the time, when someone in your life is acting in the “messy” way described above, it is because they don’t know how to deal with how you are changing. They don’t understand your experience because they are not an expert on your experience—only you are. Indeed, even you won’t fully understand what you are struggling with at times as you go through the stages of healing (which often get worse before they get better). This means you will do and say things you don’t really mean to do or say during your journey, especially if you are triggered. In this case, it’s important to identify those triggers so that you can work on them. And, when you are ready, you can let your loved ones know that this is your mess, your healing, and it will look different at different stages, and that you need to do this for you. You may also have to say to this person (or people) that if they are uncomfortable with this, for the sake of your healing and the relationship, that some distance may be required. Remind yourself that these kind of boundaries are more for you than for them, and that you are not responsible for how they choose to react to you and your needs. 2. Remember that you are entitled to your own space. Sometimes someone may feel they are losing their power over you when you start to heal, which can also lead to a very messy situation. Certain people with narcissistic tendencies may not like losing control over you because of their own traumas, toxic experiences and pain. Some people may be angry that you are changing because of certain cultural or religious mindsets. People like this tend to flip things around and blame you in an obscure and confusing way—they try make you feel bad about what you need to do to heal. When this happens, the key is to recognize this and, as mentioned above, put some major boundaries in place to protect yourself. You can start doing this by visualizing yourself in a suit of armor when you are around them, and creating space and distance between you and them till you feel strong enough to deflect their “darts”. If they try to make you feel guilty for doing this, or “love bomb” you to manipulate you, just see this as more evidence that you need to maintain your boundaries; you are entitled to your own space and have the right to seek out your own healing and peace. 3. Remind yourself, and them, that you are not helpless. Some people may react negatively to your healing journey because they see you as helpless. They feel that their plan, not yours, is the thing that is going to carry you through this challenge/issue/time. They don’t believe that you have it in you to heal yourself. But you should never be treated as helpless, regardless of what may or may not have happened in your past or in your relationships. We all need help and support at times, but you should be supported in way that empowers you to find your own healing—you should be allowed to walk your own journey. In fact, your wise mind becomes activated when people support you with unconditional love, not when people tell you what they think you should be doing. If you find yourself being boxed in by other people’s expectations, it’s important to show and say that even though you are battling, you aren’t helpless, and with your 200 unique brain specializations and circuitry, what works for them will not necessarily work for you. At the end of the day, you need to work out what boundaries you need to heal. As I mentioned above, this is not to keep people out; rather, boundaries are about protecting yourself while you work through your own stuff. This may look like asking the person in question to just listen to you when you need support, or it may mean creating some distance from them as you learn how to embrace, process and reconceptualize your pain. Or you could choose to keep things neutral and light, just seeing this person when you need a mental and emotional break. There is no one way to “do” boundaries. 4. Be careful of “fixers”. There are also people that are always trying to fix things for others, which is often a sign that their own trauma response needs healing; they are trying to fix you to avoid facing their own pain. In this case, blind compliance with no boundaries will only make things worse. If you can see this happening, tell the person directly, but as kindly as possible, that they can’t fix themselves by trying to fix you. It may end the relationship or put it on pause for a time, but it’s important you are not being used as an avoidance technique by someone else—this will only cause more mental pain for everyone involved. Trying to fix someone can also come from a sense of helplessness. When a person sees someone they love in so much pain, it can be heartbreaking. They may want to try to absorb the pain and make it go away, and can end up saying and/or doing too much, until they reach a tipping point and make things worse. In this case, it’s important to calmly tell this person that you understand what they are trying to do, and that you appreciate their concern, but a better way to help you is to wait until you ask them for support instead of offering advice or help so freely all the time. This often happens in a parent-child relationship, especially as the child grows up and enters adulthood. Yet allowing our children, no matter what age they are, to be free to make a mess and accept mental “messiness” as a part of life is incredibly important, as it helps them learn how to manage their mental health and grow as a person. If you find yourself in this kind of situation, just let your parent or guardian know this: “What has happened is a mess, but it is my mess. I need to experience this without judgement. I need to embrace, process and reconceptualize what has happened. I am thankful for your love and support, and I appreciate the fact that I know you will be there for me no matter what, like I am there for you, because we are on the same side. But you cannot fix this for me.” If things are really challenging, I highly recommend family therapy as well, which creates a safe environment, which allows everyone involved to discuss how they feel and what their intentions are. 5. Change the narrative! We need to change the narrative surrounding mental health. We need to accept the fact that it’s okay to be a mess, and we need to level the playing field; no-one is exempt from battling with their mind! At the same time, we need to empower people and let them know that there is hope. As I discuss in detail in my book Cleaning Up Your Mental Mess, through developing self-regulation, we can tune in to our wise minds and find a way forward—we can gain a sense of peace amidst the chaos. Indeed, you can start doing this today! Just take some time out of your day (even if this is just a few minutes!) and tune into yourself…tap into your wise mind. Embrace your worth, and acknowledge your own desire to heal. Say to yourself, “I see you”. To read the original article click here.

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The Difference Between Being Patient Vs. Enabling Toxic Behavior

AHA Publisher — Mon, 25 Jan 2021 08:00:51 +0000

Dr. Caroline Leaf – In this podcast (episode #249) and blog, I discuss the difference between enabling and empowering someone. Simply put, enabling is doing something challenging for someone else, while empowering someone means helping and supporting them as they complete the challenging task. Think of those school projects you did as a child; enabling is your mom doing the whole project for you, while empowering is your mom helping you do your own school project. Enabling teaches the person being enabled that someone else will always fix or solve their issues for them, or make the consequences go away. When someone is struggling with an issue, they can quickly become reliant on the person or persons who are enabling them, instead of developing the self-regulation needed to heal and move forward. There is often a fine line between enabling and empowering someone. This makes it hard to know what the best thing to do is in any given situation, especially if we are trying to help a loved one. So, how do we know when we are approaching that line? Of course, most of us genuinely want to help others. That’s one of the many beautiful qualities of being human! As a mother, when I see my children in pain, I am heartbroken and want to absorb their pain and take it away—I often do not want to let them suffer or face the consequences. But, in most cases, I cannot and should not do this, as it can end up causing more harm than good, crippling their own ability to handle life. We need to recognize there is a certain level of “messiness” and pain involved in life—this is inevitable, especially when you’re trying to help those you care for. It can be very complicated and hard to do. How do say no? When do you need to say no? What if you don’t want to hurt the people you care about? Could saying no damage the relationship? Are you fearful of what they might do if you don’t step in and take on the burden? One thing that has helped me in my life is using my 5-step Neurocycle mind-management technique to examine a situation to help me deal with all this messiness, manage my emotions and find out if I am helping someone I love or enabling them. First, I gather awareness of the situation: I become aware of a situation I am (or were in), including the emotional and physical warning signals I experience as I think about this situation. Am I feeling feeling unhappy, frustrated, confused, wary or angry? Do I feel heart palpitations or stomach pains? Tuning into these warning signals, responding to them and questioning them will take you deeper into your own mind and help you recognize the difference between enabling and empowering in this situation. This allows you can make the best choice for you and your loved ones. Then, I reflect on these signals: In this step, I essentially put my thoughts and feelings on trial and ask, answer and discuss them to find out what the physical and emotional warning signals are telling me about whether I am empowering or enabling the person in my life. Here are some useful questions I use to guide my thinking in this step: Is what I am doing keeping someone from having to face the consequences of their own behavior, or is it pointing them in the direction of facing the consequences and therefore teaching them how to self-regulate and build up their mental resilience? Is the help I am giving taking away an opportunity for this person to do something on their own, gain self-esteem and improve their self-regulation, or is it giving them that opportunity? Next, I write down my thoughts: This helps me regulate and organize my thinking. I then recheck what I have discussed and written down: I reread what I wrote to find patterns and triggers and to reconceptualize the situation so I can make better choices moving forward. Here are some questions I find useful in this step: Do I have a pattern of enabling this person? Do I feel conflicted when I help them? Do I resent the person I am helping because they don’t seem to appreciate it, or they haven’t used the help to improve their situation? Are my expectations fair? Did I create this situation? Why? I then take action to remedy the situation (I call this an active reach): The active reach is a summary action, like a period at the end of the sentence, that you can do to help you gain mental peace and change to toxic situation into a positive one. When it comes to enabling someone, this doesn’t mean you must stop helping them altogether. It just means you should find better and healthier ways to empower them—to show them compassion, empathy and love in a way that will do them good rather than harm. Here are some active reaches to help you move from enablement to empowerment: One of the best ways to empower someone is to approach every relationship you are a part of with a healthy sense of your own boundaries. If you balance kindness with being able to say “no” when you or the other person is stepping over these boundaries, then you will be in a better position to help someone without enabling them or creating a toxic situation where they fully depend on you. Recognize that each person must take full responsibility for their own self-care (emotional, physical and spiritual), with the knowledge that no other human being can do this for them. When you cannot help yourself, it is of course healthy to ask for help, but we all need to learn how to do so without feeling entitled to this help. For more help on managing your mental mess using the Neurocycle technique, listen to my podcast(episode #249), preorder my new book Cleaning Up Your Mental Mess (and receive exclusive bonuses!) and check out my SWITCH appand our most recent clinical trials. To read the original article click here. For more articles from Dr. Leaf click here.

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What to Do When Neither Outside or Inside the Home is Safe During the COVID-19 Crisis

AHA Publisher — Tue, 21 Apr 2020 07:00:26 +0000

Dr. Caroline Leaf – Relationships can be challenging at the best of times, but what do you do when you are stuck in self-quarantine with a difficult person? How do you set boundaries and deal with challenging roommates, partners or family members? In this week’s blog and podcast, I talk about what we can do if it is not safe to go outdoors or stay inside, how to set firm boundaries during this period of self-quarantine and how to navigate difficult relationships with relationship therapist and clinical social worker Nedra Tawwab. First, it is important to recognize that if you feel physically threatened in any way, domestic violence and emergency services are still operational, and you should seek shelter with family, friends or at an organization or home. In crises emergency services increase—they will be available to help you. The national domestic abuse hotline for the USA is 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). The national child abuse hotline for the USA is 1-800-422-4453. If you are feeling uncomfortable at home, it is essential that you set firm boundaries, as you have limited mental energy and you do not want to expend that getting stuck in difficult, draining or stressful situations. 1. Know your triggers. Triggers are indicators that boundaries need to be put in place. Indeed, the biggest indictor that you need boundaries in the home is when you find yourself feeling frustrated, angry or resentful. Pay attention to these triggers, don’t suppress them! Think about the root cause of your feelings, and take steps to improve the situation. 2. Don’t make assumptions. Identify your need and act to change what is happening, don’t just ruminate on the frustration or make assumptions. Don’t just assume that people know what you need! When you make assumptions, you create a story and act on that, but what you think may not be true in totality—maybe the person you are dealing with didn’t even know you needed help! 3. Talk to the person you are having issues with. Talk to them in a gentle, but firm way (especially if you are usually passive), making your request in a confident and clear way. Do not apologize or ask the other person if this is okay. When setting boundaries, you want people to understand you mean business. 4. Avoid bringing up major issues. During this quarantine period, you don’t want to bring up those deep issues and start fights. Save that for when you have freedom to move about in the world and process what is going on. 5. Spend time in a different room or separate area of the house. You can even go outside, if possible. Give yourself and the other person space. If they follow you, or are emotionally or verbally abusive, try go into a room with a door you can lock, and if you feel threatened contact a friend or family member you trust or emergency services immediately. If someone you live with does not respecting quarantine, it is equally important that you set firm boundaries and let them know that they are not allowed to enter your space if they continue their rash behavior. It is very important that you maintain your own safety, especially if someone you live with who doesn’t respect quarantine. 6. Set firm consequences. Let the other person know you will leave or lock the door if they do not stop or do not respect your boundaries. But what happens if you are alone and do not even have someone to set boundaries with? How do you deal with socially-mandated isolation? Reach out to your friends, coworkers and family via video mediums like Zoom and Skype and the phone, it is important that you keep your mind active, so that you avoid ruminating on unhealthy thoughts! Start a new DIY project at home, learn new skills, watch educational videos (such as learning how to build a website), and read books! Novels are a great way to pass the time, as stories make us feel more human and connected. For more ways to occupy your brain during this period of self-quarantine, see my recent blog. It is also important that you give your neighbors grace. Be gentle with people that are out and about at the grocery store, in the park or walking around the neighborhood—this may be how they are managing their mental health and loneliness, and is not necessarily a sign that they are not respecting social distancing guidelines. We are all in this together, and we are all trying our best to make a tough situation work. If you are a parent, it is equally important you give yourself grace! Many of us are stepping into new roles at home, so don’t shame yourself for not being the best teacher when you are not a teacher, and give yourself space if you are battling. Nedra recommends waking up a little earlier than everyone else, which will give you a few moments to relax and prepare for the day ahead. You can also schedule in periods of independent play or tablet/TV time for your children, so that you have “me time” during the day, which is so important for your mental health! Creating a schedule for your kids can also be helpful, so that they don’t spend every ten minutes asking you what is next—predictability makes things easier for everyone, as I discussed in a recent blog and podcast (episode #144) on parenting during the pandemic. And if you are feeling hopeless, depressed or angry, that is perfectly okay! We are all cycling through the different stages of grief, as we have all lost a sense of normalcy. So many things are uncertain and unknown, so it is very understandable if we feel hopeless or at a loss. You need to allow yourself to feel all these things, and try not to ruminate on one feeling: let them pass, and don’t suppress or ignore your emotions, as doing so will negatively impact your mental and physical health. It is also important to set self-boundaries, so that you are not constantly triggered at home, which make your emotions spiral out of control. Be very careful about what you are ingesting or who you are around. You need to reserve your mental energy and preserve your mental health, so watch what conversations you are having, how much you are watching the news, how much you are talking about COVID and so on. If what you are discussing with a friend or family member is upsetting you, ask to change the conversation. Don’t be afraid to let people know how you feel. Remember, you need to make sure that you feel safe and live a life that make you feel content, both during a global pandemic and during “normal” times. Like Prince Harry and Meghan, creating the sort of life you want may be in direct conflict with what you family want for you, but you may need to make challenging decisions and set firm boundaries if you want to live a life that makes you happy. Be firm with your loved ones, but recognize that you may need to spend some time away for them. Give your family time and grace to adjust, because you have probably been thinking about making a change or pursuing a certain direction in life for months or years and now they need to process it as well. This article has been modified. To read the original article click here. For more articles by Dr. Leaf click here.

The post What to Do When Neither Outside or Inside the Home is Safe During the COVID-19 Crisis appeared first on Amazing Health Advances.

Setting Healthy Boundaries: How to Know When & How to Say NO

AHA Publisher — Wed, 22 Jan 2020 05:45:30 +0000

Dr. Caroline Leaf – We all know that community is important for mental health, but what happens when people demand too much from us? How do we know when and how to say no before we feel drained and burnout? As I discuss in this week’s podcast with Dr. Henry Cloud, acclaimed leadership expert, bestselling author and psychologist, boundaries are as important as community when it comes to our mental health. It is not selfish to say no or give ourselves a break. We all need space, or what Dr. Cloud calls “property lines”, in our relationships. These lines set healthy limits in a friendship, and make sure people don’t throw their “trash” into your yard (figuratively speaking) or try control what you do and how you live. These are not walls: they are permeable. Ideally, we open our boundaries to let in good relationships, but we close them to keep out to threats and danger. But, you may ask, what can you do when you feel obligated to say “yes” all the time and let people in all the time? How do you set boundaries without affecting the quality of your relationships? When and how can you actually say no to protect your mental and physical health? 1. Remember the golden rule: Relationship boundaries should have consequences, like everything we do and say in life: what you sow you should reap, and boundaries are only boundaries if they are enforced. If you are in a relationship with a toxic person who is irresponsible and abusive, for example, that person ought to reap what they sow, and the relationship should come to an end. However, if there are not clear boundaries in this relationship, then you can become an enabler, and the toxic behavior continues to negatively affect both of you—that person is throwing their “trash” across your property line, and now you have become dependent on the hope that maybe one day they will stop causing you pain…maybe one day they will change. If, on the other hand, you decide to leave the toxic relationship, recognizing that you can’t control the other person but you can control your own boundaries, and that you need to do so to protect your mental and physical health, you can take back control of your own property: your life. The other person is now left with the consequences of what they have done, and that just may be the spark that kindles their desire to actually change, because they see that their behavior has definite consequences. Saying no to people that are self-centered, draining and co-dependent is not only acceptable, but often necessary for our mental wellbeing. You can still be there for someone if they are in dire need, but you do not have to let them affect your day-to-day life. You have limited energy to invest in people, so choose your relationships wisely. I also recommend asking yourself these questions when deciding whether or not the relationship is worth investing in: • Do you like who you are or who you have become in the relationship? If you have changed, how so? Are these good changes or bad ones? • Do you feel that the other person makes an effort to develop the relationship, or do you feel that you are the only person trying? • Do you feel loved and appreciated, or manipulated and used? • Do you actually like this person? Ask yourself if the negatives outweigh their positive attributes. • Do they keep saying they will change, but never make an effort to do so? At the end of the day, only you will know if you should end a relationship or not, because only you know when your boundaries have been crossed one too many times. 2. Be clear about your boundaries: Often, we keep our boundaries secret out of fear of affecting a relationship or affecting how someone sees us, and we end up saying yes to things we don’t want to do, or do not let others know when they have invaded our personal space and upset us, which can make us feel trapped, out of control, uncomfortable, resentful and anxious. This, in turn, will impact not only our mental wellbeing but also our physical health, because our feelings will become embodied and change the way our brain and body functions—right down to the level of our genes. Boundaries, like property lines, need to be clear, so that other people know when they are crossing them, and when they are causing pain. When you understand why you need space, and how important this space is, you can let other people know in a calm and collected way what you want and need. Say, for example, a co-worker keeps wanting to go out for drinks or dinner after work; instead of saying yes and dreading it, or shouting “stop bothering me!”, say something like “It has been a long day and I need some ‘me’ downtime after work, as it helps me function better, so I am not going to go out today.” Let people know when they have crossed your boundary. At the same time, don’t feel the need to overexplain! You have a right to rest and relaxation—the brain does not function well without it. In fact, when we go into a directed rest state (that is when we are intentional about relaxing and giving our minds a break), we enhance and increase the effectiveness of our thinking, which allows us to be a more helpful and better friend and family member. So, if you find yourself feeling guilty for saying “no” and trying to make someone else happy by giving long explanations and stumbling over why, stop, take a deep breath, and just say calmly “no, I need a break because of…”. If the other person does not understand or reacts negatively, don’t take it personally: you are not responsible for how they choose to react to the situation, but you can choose to control your own life—don’t let them take that control from you. 3. Know your own boundaries: All relationships are different, and require different types of boundaries. This is particularly case with romantic relationships, when two people are so close that they have essentially redefined their boundaries around each other: they have become “one”, but there are still two people experiencing that “oneness.” When you enter a romantic partnership, you are essentially opening yourself up to someone on a much deeper level, which means you affect each other more profoundly. This, in turn, requires that you both have greater knowledge and control over your feelings and attitudes, so that you don’t inadvertently cross the boundaries between each other and cause havoc in the relationship. For instance, if you feel that your boundary has been crossed and your partner has hurt you, you should be able to say in a reasonable way “hey, we need to talk about…, because what you did really hurt me.” You let them know about the boundary that has been crossed, and you deal with it in a loving way. However, if you are not in control of yourself, you can end up screaming and shouting at your partner, and can end up crossing their own boundaries and causing a huge fight, which will impact your relationship and leave you both distressed and in pain. When you know your own boundaries, you can be more in control of how you react when those boundaries are crossed, and how you communicate your boundaries to the people in your life, whether they are lovers, friends, family or coworkers. You can begin to see that being able to say “no” is not antithetical to a good relationship; it defines a good relationship. Knowing your own boundaries means knowing yourself on a deeper level, which will only enrich your relationships because you are comfortable and happy with being fully you with another person. But you cannot truly know your boundaries if you do not know how you uniquely think and react to your experiences and relationships, that is how you think, feel and choose as an individual, which I discuss in my book The Perfect You and on my podcast. As Socrates once said, the “unexamined life is not worth living”; when you know yourself and how you think, you not only understand yourself better, but you understand what you need and want in a relationship, and can communicate this clearly to a partner, friend, family member and co-worker. I have found that keeping a journal of my thoughts and experiences can be incredibly helpful when it comes to organizing my thoughts and understand my unique perceptions and reactions to life. You can also check out the gift questionnaire in The Perfect You book and my online program that I developed over twenty-five years ago, which is a way of gaining insight into the amazing world of thinking, and is the first thing that I would do with my patients to show them the power of their customized thinking, and how to understand themselves better and communicate their needs and desires in their relationships. 4. Protect your own mental health when helping someone in need: When it comes to dealing with people who need help, knowing your own needs and boundaries can help protect your mental health. Of course, we are designed for community; we thrive in environments when we are needed and where we need others, but this need can become challenging if we are not careful, as I discussed in a recent podcast and blog. So, if you feel stressed out by someone you are trying to help, set definitive boundaries: be there for them when you can, but be clear you are there to support them in their journey where you can, not to fix them. Make sure you have a designated partner, friend or family member you can talk to to help you process the situation and your emotions. I personally love to use my time in the sauna as a mental health break if I feel drained by a relationship. I also incorporate “thinker moments” into my day, as I discuss in my book Think, Learn, Succeed, and my recent blog and podcast. These moments help me switch off to the external and switch on to the internal, giving my brain a rest and allowing it to reboot by letting my mind wander and daydream. This increases my clarity of mind and ability to problem-solve and be there for the person I am trying to help. So, be intentional about creating mental health boundaries throughout your day, especially when you are dealing with challenging relationships! My new app Switch is also a great tool for helping you protect and maintain your own mental health. It is based on my 5-step program, which is designed to help you build a healthy new, thinking habits daily that protect your mental wellbeing and increase your clarity of thought, enabling you to deal with the challenges of life (including difficult relationships!). For more on boundaries and mental health, listen to this week’s podcast with Dr. Henry Cloud! To read the original article click here. For more articles from Dr. Leaf click here.

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